I'm still here, kind of

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.”
― Tyler Knott Gregson

I've been telling myself for a few weeks now that I need to sit down and get all of my thoughts out in front of me, but on more than one occasion I've found myself opening a blank document on my computer and just staring at it before I eventually just give up because I have no idea where to start. I have so much to say with no idea how to say it, and no idea who will actually listen. So here I am late on a Thursday night in the exact same place mentally that I've been for several weeks now.

Side note: Apologizing now for any and all typos, misplaced commas, and spelling issues. It's fairly late and I've been staring at a computer screen for awhile now.. give me a break.
Side note #2: This will all sound like rambling, and I apologize.. again.

I guess I'll start off by talking about relationships, of all kinds. Now, I understand that most (all) of my writing tends to revolve around relationships, but I've also come to realize that as a 20 year old college girl most of the lessons I learn and the growing that I do as a person is initiated by and is a result of the relationships and the friendships that I keep and the ones that I choose to break off. Ever since I can remember, I've been an extremely emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I believe that if you don't express how you feel, what's the point of feeling anything? I believe that our emotions are there for a reason, they drive us as humans, and if we choose to hide them and never take them into consideration when making our decisions, are we really living for anything? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm also a firm believer in making logical decisions, but I think you ultimately have to go where your heart takes you (I'm sorry, I know that's cheesy).
I'm saying all of this because I've discovered recently that most people don't feel things as strongly as I do, and if they do, they're damn good at hiding it. I'm going to focus on one emotion in particular, and that's love. Love in all of its glory- being in love, loving someone as a friend, and loving your family. There are so many kinds of love, and I think they all have different obligations tied to them. For example, loving a family member is the definition of tough love, at least it is in my family. It's the kind of love that says, "if you do something stupid, I'll let you know how stupid it was, but I'll be there for you to get you out of the mess that you're stupid self has put you in." It's an unconditional love, and at times it's a painful love, but it's the kind of love that can only be found between people that you call family. Being off to college and leaving my family behind has made this love all the more apparent and has definitely made me realize just how beautiful it really is.
Now, as far as being in love, this is an issue that I constantly go back and forth and up and down and all over the place with. Most people think they have it all figured out when it comes to being in love, but I'll be the first one to admit that I have no earthly idea what it really means to be in love. I was in a long relationship and a huge part of believes that I really was in love with him, but at the same time I have to ask myself, can you fall out of love? Sometimes I'm so sure that yes, you can, I'm my own living proof. But then sometimes I have to ask myself that, if the love that I was in was so real, how in the world did I manage to fall out of it? Shouldn't love, real love, be so intense and so deep that it is literally impossible to fall out of? And then, is really loving someone putting their needs, and their wants, and their dreams before yours? Or is it a selfish, I can't live without you, you're not going anywhere, kind of love? The whole idea of letting something you love go, and if it's meant to be it will come back, has never really made sense to me. If you love something, shouldn't you hold onto it with everything you have? But then again, what if they don't want to be held onto? Do you really want to love someone that doesn't love you? You can probably see where this is going-absolutely nowhere... Sorry if my inner thoughts have done nothing but confuse you, but at least you've got something to think about now.
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On a much different note, I just want to bring up another thing that seems to be a reoccurring trend lately: stereotypes. Yes, I'm in a sorority (I just felt you all rolling your eyes) but I'm sick and tired of people letting it define what they think of me without even knowing me. Yes, I have blonde hair, I live in black yoga pants and over-sized t-shirts (have you ever worn these? No? Well, it's freaking comfortable, you should try it), I probably use the word "like" as a filler too much, and I have an amazing bond with the girls in my sorority. But the biggest problem I have is that people see these things and they automatically assume that they are way more intelligent than I could ever imagine being. If you didn't know, I'm on the path to getting my degree in Petroleum Engineering. My classes are filled mostly with men and out of the very few girls that are in them, very very VERY few of them are blonde girls with greek letters on their over-sized t-shirts. Walking into a thermodynamics class of about 45 males on the first day of the semester and seeing the "is this poor girl lost?" look on their faces sure was priceless. By no means am I saying that I'm the smartest person in my classes, but it's pretty exhausting having people automatically discount your intelligence just because of the clothes you wear and the color of your hair. So please, if you ever land in one of my engineering classes, just know that I am not lost, I can derive that equation without your help, and I make a really good study buddy.
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It's later than I realized so I'll wrap all this up with my favorite thing, random letters.

-It's so good to know that you're happy with your life. We've been so close for so long that seeing you happy makes me so happy. However, I also understand that you being happy could eventually result in me having to get out of the picture. I'm not sure if I'm okay with that, but we'll just deal with that when it gets here. After all, looking far into the future was never really our style anyways.

-I worry about you, a lot. We're so young, and despite all that goes on, life is so simple right now. Yet, you already seem extremely overwhelmed. Just breathe, okay? Everything has a way of working itself out.

-I miss you. Even though I know I shouldn't. Like I said earlier, is there really any satisfaction in loving something/someone who doesn't love you back? I'm still trying to figure that one out.
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"I never, she never, we never looked back,
That wasn’t what we were good at.
And when it came to love,
We were not good enough."