"For the first time, I can't seem to get over the fact that you're not here."

Hey y'all, I know its late, my apologies. 
And I'm also sorry that I don't have a picture tonight. I'm actually typing this from my phone, so bear with me on the grammatical errors. 

Day 4-
A picture of the person you've had the best memories with. 

Okay, there is not one person I could choose for this. There are so many people that i have memories with. So I'm going to go through a list, based on the time in my life I was close to the person. 

Peyton- you were my first best friend. To say we were inseparable would be an understatement. We had so much fun together. From staying up late and watching movies to going to six flags over and over and over again. You were a huge part of my childhood. 

Hannah- for about a year, we use to go to Jorge's every single Friday night. Then I would go spend the night at your house because you were to scared to spend the night at mine. Haha. 

Haley- we are so different, but we balanced each other well. We became so close at one point. I'll never forget how close we were and how much you trusted me. You called me one time crying because of some jerk, and I want you to know that I'm still her for you. 

Rachel- holy crap, I love you. Haha. Everything about you is so weird and odd and I can't imagine my life without you. We've been through a lot of bad times, but we've ended up in an amazing relationship. 

Taylor- you are the sweetest person on the planet, and we don't have many memories yet, but I know we will soon. 

Blair- every time I'm with you I have a blast. You are so much fun to be around, I just love you. 

Sarah- you and Blair brought something back into my life that I was missing for while. And I could never thank you enough. I mean, who else could handle me they way I am at school? Thanks for putting up with my crazy self. 

Brenton- as weird as it sounds, I can remember almost every single thing we've been through. Even down to all the little, unimportant things. Every day is a new memory with you. There is nothing I enjoy more than spending time with you. 

The entire Jenkins family- the people that developed me into the person I am today. My life is bits and pieces of the memories we've shared. I love you all more than anything. 

There are so many people that I have amazing memories with. I don't have enough to time in the world to list them all. 

Goodnight. 

Lost myself in search of you.

"Do you know," he said softly, "what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing them? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home? What we had wasn't about being able to show off what you've got, the way it was for other kids our age. We were, well, meant to be together. Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person," he said. "I was lucky enough to have her all along."
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Okay, so today is supposed to be a picture of the cast from my favorite tv show.. But I honestly thought that was rather lame. So I skipped that day..
If anyone is curious, my favorite show is a tie between Cake Boss and Say Yes to the Dress, exciting.

Day 3-
A picture of your favorite memory.



This is my family, Brenton, and me on vacation in New Braunfels. This was the first time that Brenton spent a long period of time with my family and it was awesome. The trip was so fun, I can't wait to go again this August.
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Tomorrow is the math Taks. This will be the last math taks that I take EVER. Unless I fail..
Then Thursday is Science, and Friday is History.
Bleck.

Boring, I know.
But I'll write more later.

Sunshine.

Day 2-
A picture of you and someone that you've been close to for awhile.
(I couldn't just choose one.)







Okay, so obviously I have two pictures here. Both of which I'm sure come as no surprise to you.

The first one is Blair, Sarah, and me. While we haven't been friends for more than a few years, I consider them my best friends. They walked into my life when all my other friends decided they wanted to leave. I'm a loner, and when high school came around, I went into a shell, and I was happy that way. But when I became friends with Sarah, she became one of the most important people in my life. She was easy to talk to and we understand each other very well. Now Blair and I have been friends for a long time, but we've never been as close as we are now. I can trust her with anything and she always knows how to make me smile. Both of these girls are my rays of sunshine and I can honestly say that I would be lost without them.

And of course, the second picture is of Brenton and me. There are so many things I could say about this guy, but I'll try to keep it short. From the very beginning, there was a connection, and it was a strong one. I was a freshman and he was a senior and neither of us had any idea where we were headed. Even though things weren't always perfect, we've found the place where we belong- with each other. He is my best friend and he is the person I go to when everything seems to be falling apart. We balance each other perfectly and when I'm with him, I'm home. He is my rock, my world, my everything. I know I'm only 17, and you probably think it's dumb to be so young and so in love, but no matter what you think, we know who we are and what we have.

Photo Challenge?

Okay, so many of you have probably noticed people on facebook doing the 30 day photo challenge, right? Well I've found a 100 day face book challenge.. and instead of posting it on facebook, I'm going to post them on here. I don't think I'll get through all 100, because towards the end, they just got dumb.
I've also decided to do this here so that I can be more descriptive, because I know that if you read this, you must care about my thoughts.
So here we go!

Day 1-
A picture of yourself with 15 facts.


1- I am Shiloh Jenkins, duh.

2- I am junior at the school I've been going to my whole life. This is one thing I appreciate about the location of my life, I've been going to school with the same 50-60 kids my whole life. I feel safe at school, because I grew up with the kids I'm surrounded by.

3- My family is very important to me. We go through a lot of stuff for each other, but at the end of the day, we love each other like crazy.

4- I'm an only child, and I love it. When I was younger, I used to always want a sibling, but as I've grown up, I realize that being an only child has made me independent and strong. However, it has it's downsides too. I've never been good at opening up to people. I'm not socially awkward, but I am very kept to myself. I love to be alone.

5- I feel the love of God on a regular basis, even though I rarely go to church. I'm not very loud about my relationship with God, and I don't really know why. I believe that God understands why I am the way I am, even when I don't. I believe that he gives me the strength to overcome everything that comes my way, but I usually forget to thank him for it.

6- I love music.. No. Really. People say this all the time, and it bothers me. There are only a few people that I know of that truly love music. I grew up around it and it is apart of me. I'm happiest when music is playing around me. Music has the power to take me completely out of my world and take me wherever it wants to. I associate music with every person and situation that I've ever encountered.

7- On a musical note (no pun intended), my first love was singing. When I was younger, I could get up in front of a crowd of adults and feel right at home with a microphone in my hand. I loved the way it felt right before I got on stage and how when you look out and see all those people giving you all their attention, all the butterflies go away. I know I could never do that again, but I love thinking about the kid I used to be.

8- At the moment, I want 8 tattoos. Think what you want, I don't really care.

9- I am naturally blond, and I am constantly switching back and forth between blond and brunette. Just another way to keep life from getting too boring.

10- I love food. I love trying new food and being surprised by how much I like it. I love how a plate of good food can make your day so much better. I also enjoy the conversations that take place a the dinner table. People connect when food is around, and it's always something I've loved. This probably sounds ridiculous to you.

11- I'm the kind of person that knows what I want, and I usually won't quit until I get it. And then once I get it, I don't give it up easily.

12- I'm very protective of my friends, even when they don't deserve it. I take it personally when one my friends do something stupid, even when I've reminded them over and over again that nothing good could come out of it. And when they don't listen, I feel like I didn't do everything I could to help them.

13- I love big people. While I'm a very protective person, I love the feeling of being protected.

14- I'm very insecure. In every way possible. I can't explain to you how much I worry about every little thing that has to do with me.

15- Last but not least, I'm a very complicated person. I used to deny this fact, because I wanted so badly to be someone that a person could describe as "simple". But I've come to terms with the fact that I am one of those people that is hard to get a long with, for numerous reasons.

This is my cousin, who absolutely owns my heart. I'm so lucky to be able to watch her grow and be apart of the person she becomes.
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"A lovestruck Romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Layin' everybody low
With a love song that he made
Finds a street light
Steps out of the shade
And says something like
You and me babe, how about it?"

Sorry, it's been a few days... But I'm back!
School is almost out and honestly, the past few days haven't been that stressful. Life is good.

I was talking to someone today and they basically said, "I don't know why Brenton loves you, you're so mouthy..."
After deciding that mouthy was not a good word.. We discussed it for a second.
And I realized that I may be "mouthy", but I'm proud of it. I like the fact that I say what's on my mind most of the time and I have a sarcastic sense of humor (even though some people see that as a negative thing..). But I would like to thank the
person who pointed this out, while they might have been trying to degrade me (like always), I'll take that as a compliment.
Oh, and FYI, the fact that I am mouthy changes nothing about the fact that Brenton DOES love me.. Thank you very much.

I wore a nice, floral shirt today and I got told that it didn't really match the person I am at school. The exact words were something like this..."at school you have this whole 'I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR' thing going on and when you're at home you have the 'i'm such a girl and I love to wear dresses' thing, and today, you've met in the middle."
Uh, thanks? I think...

Anyways, today was a good day.
Goodnight y'all.

"Hope, I need a ray of that."

Hey y'all. 
This has been a rough week and I'm just going to go through my thoughts.. Sorry if they make absolutely no sense to you. 

- basketball has always been my thing. It's something I've always done and always loved. But what are you supposed to do when what you love creates problems with the ones you love? It's complicated, and you would have to know me and the person I'm referring to very well to understand. I just need to know how to handle certain people, and no one on this whole entire planet seems to have an answer. 

- I want you to be proud of me. I want to be perfect for you. Nothing you say to me could ever change that. I want you to look at me like you understand. I want you to give me a chance to tell you I how feel without you making me feel bad for it. I want to look at you everyday and know that no matter what, you're never going to leave my side, you will always support me. I will never be numb to you. Every word, every look, every movement affects me in ways that you probably can't wrap your head around. I love you, so so much and I always will. I just need to know that I'm good enough for you. 

- on another basketball note, I've been playing the game for a very long time. So the next time you want to pull your crap, remember who you're dealing with. 

- I don't know how to express to you how much I love you. And nothing that is going on right now is going to change anything about us. You are my rock, the person I lean on. To have you question how I feel about you, kills me. 

Well I'm on my phone and I'm sleepy. So I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. 
Goodnight! 

I had a lot to write about,
But when you told me that my heart,
Is the size of a pea,
I shutdown.

I promise that there will be something way more exciting tomorrow.
Goodnight y'all.

"Believe me when I say,
It gets better every day.
Once you get used to the pain.."

Hey guys. 
Today was a long day. But when it gets this close to summer, everyday seems like an eternity. 

One of my best friends found out today that guys can be jerks and they sometimes make mistakes. I told her to never forget what she deserves. As humans, girls especially, we often compromise our value for people we care about. Most people deserve so much better than what they have, but they're too blinded by their infatuation to realize it. I also reminded her to tell herself that the guy made a mistake. It's that simple. People mess up, and we get angry, and we often say things we don't mean and later regret. If she ends up forgiving him, I don't want their relationship to be weighed down by something she said when she was mad. Of course, she was not listening when I told her these things, but hopefully she'll think about them. 

I walk around on pins and needles. I have to constantly worry about what is going to happen next. Nobody says anything cause we think silence is better than communication. We're just three people, completely disconnected from each other. I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, and I guess that doesn't really matter. 
So I guess we'll just continue living our separate lives together. 

We are reminded everyday how fragile life is.
Please pray for the Maynard family.

Blair went to prom this weekend! She looked lovely :)
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The lyrics below are to a song that always hits me hard. It reminds me that while we expect the world out of some people, sometimes they just can't be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and we have to learn to look past them. I have a nearly perfect life, and most of the time I'm too busy looking at people's faults rather than how great they make my life. I spend too much time obsessing over the past, and the things I can't change.



"Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
I can't seem to get you off my mind.
All these ups and downs they,
They trip up our good intentions.
Nobody said this was an easy ride.

After all, we're only human.
Always fighting what we're feeling.
Hurt instead of healing,
After all we're only human.
Is there any other reason,
Why we stay instead of leaving?
After all...

Can we get back to the point in this conversation,
Where we saw things through each other's eyes.
Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,
We all need some place we can hide inside.

After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling.
Hurt instead of healing,
After all we're only human.
Is there any other reason,
Why we stay instead of leaving?

I'm smart enough to know that life goes by,
And it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind.
If you feel I'm letting go, just give me time.
I'll come running to your side.
Can you tell me how we got into this situation?
I can't seem to get you off my mind."

Helllooooo Aprillllll.

April is the worst month of the year. It's the most stressful, depressing, lousiest excuse for a month EVER.

Today was okay,
I talked/argued/yelled at my Spanish teacher today for a good long while because I am stubborn and even though she is usually right, I will never give her the satisfaction of winning a fight. Even if she reads this, which she will, I have not given up! I will still argue with her.. even if she's right.
:]
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You told me that you're tired of defending your feelings for me. And even though that is not my intention when I try to talk to you about everything, I can see how you would feel that way. I know you love me. I know that without me, you would be lost. I know that how I feel about you, is exactly how you feel about me. But I'm a insecure girl with a serious jealousy problem and I'm not good at dealing with it. Every girl I see is prettier, smarter, and just all around better than me. Deep down I know this isn't true. I am beautiful, smart, and there is nobody that fits you quite like I do. But my immediate reaction to any female is beyond defensive and I'm always ready to take down anyone that just looks at you. I fear that I'm not good enough for you. That everything about your past is far more perfect than I could ever be. When I tell people this, they look at me as if I'm crazy, and they say, "If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be." And I'll agree, but I still worry about it. I just don't want to lose you again. I've been through that once, and even though I would except it and let you be happy (just as I did before), it would kill me.
I work everyday to build my self-esteem. Everyday is a little bit better. I've always been insecure, and even though I hate to admit it, when I lost you, it got worse. I don't blame you for anything. You are a human, and we humans usually mess things up, even when we never have the intention to. I fix things by talking about them, and you hate talking about it, because you feel bad for hurting me. I'll get over it soon, just please bear with me.
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"it's like I'm a garden salad with a light vinaigrette, and he's a platter of seafood Cajun pasta. Alone, we're good. Together, we're fantastic."



"There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there. With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

With grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair.

Just memories.
Memories that make me who I am.
Everyday, I live with the fear that I will lose you, any of you.
I grew up learning that nothing is forever and I'm here to prove that it just might.

I'm sick in every sense possible.
Please,
Just let it go.