I originally skipped this day because I knew it was going to be hard to write. But I decided to do it anyways.
Day 2- describe 3 legitimate fears.
1- Failure.
I have a huge fear of not ending up where I want to be in life. I'm afraid that I'm going to be the girl that is in college for 15 years and eventually just gives up because she can't seem to succeed at anything.I know that the chances of this happening are very slim, but just the fact that it IS possible, scares the crap out of me.
2- Death.
This is one of those fears that people make fun of me for having. I mean, why should I be scared of something that every person experiences? I'm not really sure why it scares me so much. There are really two parts to this fear, I'm scared of the people I'm close to dying, and then I'm scared of dying myself. Even after 18 years, I have never had anyone that I'm close to die. I've never been to a funeral, and I don't know how it feels to have something taken away from you completely. I am terrified of how I will react when I lose the people I love. On the other hand, I'm terrified of what happens after we die. Sure, I believe in God and I believe in heaven, but I mean, what is going to be like? Some people are so sure about what our eternity is going to be like, and I just wish I could be so sure.
3- The unknown.
Ah, there is really only one person that I've ever talked to about this, so bear with me if I sound completely ridiculous. The fear of the unknown contradicts everything I've ever been told. There are a long list of questions I have had since I was younger that nobody seems to have the freaking answer to. Questions like, why are we here? How big is the universe, and how in the world did it begin? If it did begin by these little atoms, or whatever, where in the world did those little freaking atoms come from? If it is all because of God, where did he come from? There are so many things that I want to believe, but my curious mind just won't let me sometimes, and that probably makes no sense to any of you.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
You ain't woman enough.
"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fears of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, and article, sentence, a footstep, feel it all- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."
-Zooey Deschanel
Once again, I have managed to find another list of things to write about and like always, I highly doubt that I will make it through the whole list.. Whatever.
So #1 is a list of 20 facts about yourself. Great.
1- Contrary to popular belief, I love people. Anyone that knows me always hears me say "I hate people", but I am usually talking about people that I know that I do not like for some reason. So despite what you think, Shiloh does not hate humanity.
2- I love my highly dysfunctional family. I've been blessed with a family that is always there for me, despite our differences.
3- I am a very proud Texan. I mean, who wouldn't want to be from the greatest state ever?
4- I don't eat brown m&m's.
5- I love animals, but I also understand the idea of the "circle of life". I eat meat, my dad hunts, but I will stop highway traffic to help a turtle cross the road.
6- I love food, like seriously. I love eating at new places and trying new things. If you want to be my best friend, take me somewhere with good food.
7- I love to read.
8- I've never broken a bone, but I've had two eye surgeries, my tonsils removed, my adenoids removed, and I had to get stitches when my adventurous bike ride turned into a busted open elbow.
9- I am extremely emotional and sensitive. I feel things more deeply than the average person. I get mad when people don't handle things the right way, I cry when I'm happy and when I'm sad, and it seems that I'm always smiling/laughing. Not only am I constantly on an emotional roller coaster, I am terrible at hiding whatever it is that I'm feeling. You will know if I am upset, or pissed off at you. Sure, it gets me in trouble a lot, but I really wouldn't want it any other way.
10- I communicate through other people's words. I use good lyrics and quotes to express how I feel, because I suck at expressing anything in my own words.
11- I hold a grudge like it's an art, but I'm in love with second chances. There's a point of no return with me, and if you go past it, you will never be forgiven.
12- I want approximately seven tattoos. Judge me.
13- My first love in life was singing. I used to sing karaoke for all the drunks in the bars, and for all my friends in every single talent show. Now, I'm too insecure to even sing in front of my closest friends.
14- Basketball took the place of singing when I got into middle school. Picking up a basketball was the best decision I ever made and not a day goes by that I don't miss stepping onto the court everyday.
15- I love school, and I will always regret not trying as hard as I should have my first year of high school. I went from being third in the class to not even being in the top 10%. It is something that I will never be okay with.
16- Bitterness is my worst trait.
17- I remember almost every little insignificant thing that has ever been said to me. Every insult, compliment, lie, goodbye, whatever, I remember it. However, I always seem to forget the important stuff..
18- I hate spiders. 8 legs of terrifying. June bugs suck too.
19- I am planning on attending Texas State in the fall... I think.
20- I really don't like even numbers..
-Zooey Deschanel
Once again, I have managed to find another list of things to write about and like always, I highly doubt that I will make it through the whole list.. Whatever.
So #1 is a list of 20 facts about yourself. Great.
1- Contrary to popular belief, I love people. Anyone that knows me always hears me say "I hate people", but I am usually talking about people that I know that I do not like for some reason. So despite what you think, Shiloh does not hate humanity.
2- I love my highly dysfunctional family. I've been blessed with a family that is always there for me, despite our differences.
3- I am a very proud Texan. I mean, who wouldn't want to be from the greatest state ever?
4- I don't eat brown m&m's.
5- I love animals, but I also understand the idea of the "circle of life". I eat meat, my dad hunts, but I will stop highway traffic to help a turtle cross the road.
6- I love food, like seriously. I love eating at new places and trying new things. If you want to be my best friend, take me somewhere with good food.
7- I love to read.
8- I've never broken a bone, but I've had two eye surgeries, my tonsils removed, my adenoids removed, and I had to get stitches when my adventurous bike ride turned into a busted open elbow.
9- I am extremely emotional and sensitive. I feel things more deeply than the average person. I get mad when people don't handle things the right way, I cry when I'm happy and when I'm sad, and it seems that I'm always smiling/laughing. Not only am I constantly on an emotional roller coaster, I am terrible at hiding whatever it is that I'm feeling. You will know if I am upset, or pissed off at you. Sure, it gets me in trouble a lot, but I really wouldn't want it any other way.
10- I communicate through other people's words. I use good lyrics and quotes to express how I feel, because I suck at expressing anything in my own words.
11- I hold a grudge like it's an art, but I'm in love with second chances. There's a point of no return with me, and if you go past it, you will never be forgiven.
12- I want approximately seven tattoos. Judge me.
13- My first love in life was singing. I used to sing karaoke for all the drunks in the bars, and for all my friends in every single talent show. Now, I'm too insecure to even sing in front of my closest friends.
14- Basketball took the place of singing when I got into middle school. Picking up a basketball was the best decision I ever made and not a day goes by that I don't miss stepping onto the court everyday.
15- I love school, and I will always regret not trying as hard as I should have my first year of high school. I went from being third in the class to not even being in the top 10%. It is something that I will never be okay with.
16- Bitterness is my worst trait.
17- I remember almost every little insignificant thing that has ever been said to me. Every insult, compliment, lie, goodbye, whatever, I remember it. However, I always seem to forget the important stuff..
18- I hate spiders. 8 legs of terrifying. June bugs suck too.
19- I am planning on attending Texas State in the fall... I think.
20- I really don't like even numbers..
Sunday, March 18, 2012
“If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”
She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”
But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.
“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”
-Sarah Kay
She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”
But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.
“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”
-Sarah Kay
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