Happy birthday to me?

"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."

How's it going?
Today was my birthday and it was fabulous.
Big thanks to everyone who made it that way.

Okay. 3 things to talk about.
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1. High school.
Oh, high school, the place I love and hate all at the same time. Where in a short 7 and a half hours I can hang out with my best friend, avoid my worst enemy, fail a test, cry in the bathroom, laugh at lunch, keep my mouth shut, and throw a temper tantrum. It's a lovely place, high school is. I just wish more people would enjoy it. I'm a bitter person anyways, I try my best everyday to be positive, and it's hard when all everyone wants to do is complain.. Seriously, high school could be so fun. But nobody wants to see that.
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2. Real friends vs. Fake friends
Yeah, we can all probably see where this is going. I just don't understand how you can sit there and say you hate someone and how they act and everything about them, then turn around and run up and hug them in the hallways.
Seriously?! And it's not just hugging them in the hallways. It's calling them your "best friend" and spending all your time outside of school together then complaining about them to people like me. Not cool.
Maybe its the cool thing. But whatever. I have the most amazing best friend anybody could ask for. We're inseperable. I just wish everyone else could experience it.
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3. Security.
I used to have no idea what it felt like to be safe. No, not like coming home and locking your doors. Like the feeling of knowing that you'll never be alone. I know that no matter what happens, someone is going to be there.I mever have to worry about feeling stupid or anything because everything from what I think to what I feel is safe. I don't know if you can understand what I'm trying to say. I hope you do.
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Life is good and I'm so in love.

Goooooodnight.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

"Thomas Edison's last words were, 'It's very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful."

Ohhh, hey!
It's two days until my birthday!
Does 17 serve any purpose?

My Thanksgiving was good.
The night before I went to Brenton's house and had dinner there. I love that family, they make me feel at home.
Then Thursday my whole mess of a family came over and we enjoyed Thanksgiving together.

I always promised myself that I would never go shopping on black Friday.. and I gave in this year. Haha. It wasn't that bad. Just not as exciting as everyone makes is seem.

The Christmas music is blasting and the decorations are going up soon.
Byeeeee.

One day you can be as lost as me.

Oh, HEY. What's uppppp?
I have a list of stuff I wanted to talk about so we might as well get this party started.
Here's the list (in case you wondering):
-Identity.
-Dreams.
-Basketball.
-Future.
-High school.
-Real friends vs. Fake friends.
-Security.
(I'll try to get most of this covered. Haha.)
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Okay, first, Identity.
Not a big deal really, I've just been thinking about who I used to be, who I've become, and what I'll be someday. Do we ever have a true understanding of who we are? I don't know if it's possible. Sure, I know facts about myself, like foods that I like, and music I like. But still, even things like that can change.
-I used to be happy, naive, and a little stupid about trusting people. I used to never think about anything, I used to be so carefree. I used to love singing and being with friends. At least, this is how I saw myself.
-Now, I'm still happy, just in different ways. I'm still naive, just in the "blinded by love" kinda way. I don't trust people anymore. Things happen and I learned that I just can't. I worry about everything now, I'm always stressed about EVERYTHING. But I see now that you have to worry about something or it seems like you don't care. I love basketball now and I enjoy my alone time. I've become bitter and I work on it daily. At least, this is how I know see myself.
-In the future, I hope to be happy, and surrounded by people that I can trust and make me feel amazing. I want to have a good life, don't we all? It sounds so cliche, but I just want to happy when I grow up, and honestly, I'm scared.
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Okay, second, dreams.
I had a dream the other day about something I never thought I would dream about. I don't know how to explain myself to people without sounding like one of those stupid teenagers that says "OH MY GOSH, We're gonna grow up and go to college and have 3 kids and get married and have a perfect life together!!!"
Yeah, trust me, that's not what I'm going for. I'm just looking forward to coming home to someone everyday. And yes, I'm only 16, but I know what I want.
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Okay, third, basketball.
I love it. The end.
It's that simple.
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Okay, fourth, future.
My future is something that scares the crap out of me but I'm starting to get a plan. I really want to go to TCU. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I think this a step.
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That's all I have the energy for now.
So I'll be back soon.
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Brenton made me listen to this song and I'm in love.
Colder weather-Zac Brown Band

She’d Take Colorado if he’d take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in
Wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay
She’s answered by the tail lights
shining through the window pane


He said I want to see you again, but I’m stuck in
Colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then
She said you’re a rambling man, you ain’t ever gonna
change
You got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for
leaving

At a truck stop diner just outside of lincoln,
the night as black as the coffee he was drinking,
And in the waitress eyes he sees the same old light a
shining,
And thinks of Colorado and the girl he left behind
there


He said I want to see you again, but I’m stuck in
Colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then
She said you’re a rambling man, you ain’t ever gonna
change
You got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for
leaving, born for leaving


Well it’s a windy road when you are in the lost and
found
You’re a lover and I’m a runner
We go round and round and round
And I love you but I leave you
I don’t want you but I need you
You know it’s you that calls me back in vain

Whoa, I want to see you again, but I’m stuck in Colder
weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then
Cause I’m a rambling man, I ain’t ever gonna change (I
ain’t ever gonna change)
You got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for
leaving, born for leaving

When I close my eyes I see you,
no matter where I am.
I can smell your perfume through these whispering
pines.
I’m with your ghost again, it’s a shame about the
weather,
I know soon we’ll be together, and I can’t wait till
then,
I can’t wait till then.


<3

Just wondering if I'm going insane or if my dreams are trying to tell me something.

Is it dangerous that I feel like this? Some would say so. I don't think so.

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'."

-John Mayer

Continued.

Well helllllllo.
This is just a continuation of my rambling that was last night's post.

So first, jealousy.
I hear the word, and I want to barf. It's something I've always struggled with. Well. Not always. I don't blame anyone else for my stupid problems but me. It's my fault that I have absolutely no self-confidence in anything that I do. Sure, some situations have taken place that have made me doubt myself, but they don't matter anymore. I want so badly to be able to just shrug things off, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Jealousy is in direct connection with my bitterness. The two together make me this negative, horrible person. They control me. I try so hard to not let them affect me, but I can't lie to myself. Being jealous is the most uncomfortable feeling ever, it makes my skin crawl. Being bitter is like never enjoying anything. It's being pessimistic when you have every reason in the world to be positive.
I'm nothing but a jealous, bitter, angry girl.

Next, teenagers.
Ughhhh. I hate being labeled as a teenager. I am so ashamed.
It's terrible how people act in high school.
That's all I have to say about THAT.
I would say some very bad things about some people if I didn't stop myself right here...

I wanna go crazy, you can go crazy too.

It's been awhile.

How's it going?
It's that time of the year when everything just starts running together and every weekday feels the same and everyone says the same things everyday and they always get on your nerves but you're too exhausted to say anything to them about it.

I have a few things to talk about and they will turn into rambling so be prepared. Ha, I'm acting as if people actually read this.

First, I don't understand why I can't do well in a history class. I guess it's because it's all just memorization and I've never been good at that. I've always been really good at math because it's something you're always working at. It's in everyday life and I've always been able to understand it so well.
I have some decisions to make regarding my history class and the direction that it is going.


Second, thinking about the universe and what ia beyond any one's comprehension is terrifying to me. When I was young, I would lay in bed and think about what was way beyond what the human brain could understand. It's always been something I've been scared of. I don't know what to believe about anything anymore. I grew up in church and I will always believe that we are here because of God and all that jazz, but still, there's so much more to it than that. I've always thought about it way too much and it's always gotten me in trouble. I'm not questioning my faith in God or anything like that. I just like people to have a full understanding of what is out there and where the world is going to be in about a bajillion years.
The whole idea to me is closely linked to the whole idea of death. And yes, death is something that has always terrified me. But just let me explain. I'm not afraid of where we go when we die, or whatever. I'm scared of not doing enough in the time that I am here. We're only here for so long and I don't want my life to be a waste. I don't want to be 80 years old and look back on my life and think about all the things I should've done. The whole idea of feeling incomplete is another thing that terrifies me.
"Do not fear death, only the unlived life. You do not have to life forever, you just have to live."

I'm tired.
So topics for next time:
Jealousy.
Teenagers.
Kids.
And some more stuff.

Goooooooodnight.