Baby, all I want for Christmas is you...

It's the kind of feelin that you can't explain.
The kind that makes anything possible.
The kind that makes it seem as though there is a thin layer of air between your feet and the ground, and you're never going to fall.
The kind that sends chills all the way from your head to your toes.
The kind that leaves you with a promise of return.
The kind that assures you that it will be there when you wake up in the morning.

The kind that is terrifying.
The kind that could easily be taken away from you.
The kind that, if lost, could never be replaced.


The kind that's worth the risk.

Summer's never looked the same.

Ohhhh, hey there. It's been awhileeee.
It's Christmas break, and I couldn't be happier.
------------------------------
Keith Urban-Thank You

There were nights where I was sure
I wouldn't see the morning sun
And there were days that seemed so dark
I couldn't wait for night to come
I couldn't stand to think about how
My life used to be
And how without a single warning
It all slipped away from me

Like a fool I thought I could fight
The shadows on my own
To the dark I was no stranger
But this was stronger than I'd known
And by the time I knew that I was in too deep I'd gone too far
And the light that used to guide me
Had faded from my heart
And I found myself in places I thought I'd never go
Surrounded by strangers I was so far from home
And I don't know how you found me
All I know is I owe everything to you
Yes I do

And I thank you for my heart
I thank you for my life
And I thank god for grace and mercy
And that you became my wife
I'm seeing for the first time
The stars, the sun and moon
But they've got nothing on the power
Of this love I have for you
And I thank you, I thank you

Now people say they'll stand beside you
They swear they never leave
When the rain started falling
You know it only fell on me
And it was hard to keep believing in myself
When all I felt was so much pain and guilt and shame
I couldn't even ask for help
I don't know if I believe in other lives
But when you came
There was something so familiar
About the way you said my name
And the whole world started turning
And I swear that I'd been born again brand new
And it's all because of you

And so I thank you for my heart
I thank you for my life
And I thank god for grace and mercy
And that you became my wife
I'm seeing for the first time
The stars, the sun and moon
But they've got nothing on the power
Of this love I have for you
And I thank you
Oh, yeah

And I've seen so many things
That I just can't explain
But the miracle of miracles is how
With your love I was saved

And I thank you
I thank you for my life
And I thank god for grace and mercy
And that you became my wife
And I'm seeing for the first time
The stars, the sun and moon
But they've got nothing on the power
Of all this love I give to you

And I thank you for my heart
I thank you for my life
I thank god for grace and mercy
And that you became my wife
The day I started breathing
Was the day you took my hand
And until the day I die
Baby
I'll forever be your man
And I thank you, I thank you
-------------------------------
Happy Holidays!

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I have a lot to say. But not enough time or energy to say it.
Sorry for the lameness.



Night.

Iphone post, this will be short and sweet. (kinda)
And probably have a lot of typos.


I'm so happy and I hope it never changes. But I don't understand how I can be so happy and still think about stupid stuff that doesn't matter anymore.
Seriously, the most aggravating thing ever.
I mean, you're all mine. Right?

I hate weeks like this because I know it's going to suck and I get sad about it.
I can feel the sadness now.
I can't wait until Friday.

Sweet dreams dear.

Lovelovelove. Crazy love.

"Don't forget about the blue skies, sunrise, and all the space between. It's amazing how a girl like you can affect a guy like me."

Busy busy week ahead. Game Tuesday, Peaster tournament ThursdayFridaySaturday, and so much to do in between. GREAT.

Happy birthday to me?

"Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated."

How's it going?
Today was my birthday and it was fabulous.
Big thanks to everyone who made it that way.

Okay. 3 things to talk about.
-----------------------
1. High school.
Oh, high school, the place I love and hate all at the same time. Where in a short 7 and a half hours I can hang out with my best friend, avoid my worst enemy, fail a test, cry in the bathroom, laugh at lunch, keep my mouth shut, and throw a temper tantrum. It's a lovely place, high school is. I just wish more people would enjoy it. I'm a bitter person anyways, I try my best everyday to be positive, and it's hard when all everyone wants to do is complain.. Seriously, high school could be so fun. But nobody wants to see that.
-----------------------
2. Real friends vs. Fake friends
Yeah, we can all probably see where this is going. I just don't understand how you can sit there and say you hate someone and how they act and everything about them, then turn around and run up and hug them in the hallways.
Seriously?! And it's not just hugging them in the hallways. It's calling them your "best friend" and spending all your time outside of school together then complaining about them to people like me. Not cool.
Maybe its the cool thing. But whatever. I have the most amazing best friend anybody could ask for. We're inseperable. I just wish everyone else could experience it.
----------------------
3. Security.
I used to have no idea what it felt like to be safe. No, not like coming home and locking your doors. Like the feeling of knowing that you'll never be alone. I know that no matter what happens, someone is going to be there.I mever have to worry about feeling stupid or anything because everything from what I think to what I feel is safe. I don't know if you can understand what I'm trying to say. I hope you do.
------------

Life is good and I'm so in love.

Goooooodnight.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

"Thomas Edison's last words were, 'It's very beautiful over there.' I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful."

Ohhh, hey!
It's two days until my birthday!
Does 17 serve any purpose?

My Thanksgiving was good.
The night before I went to Brenton's house and had dinner there. I love that family, they make me feel at home.
Then Thursday my whole mess of a family came over and we enjoyed Thanksgiving together.

I always promised myself that I would never go shopping on black Friday.. and I gave in this year. Haha. It wasn't that bad. Just not as exciting as everyone makes is seem.

The Christmas music is blasting and the decorations are going up soon.
Byeeeee.

One day you can be as lost as me.

Oh, HEY. What's uppppp?
I have a list of stuff I wanted to talk about so we might as well get this party started.
Here's the list (in case you wondering):
-Identity.
-Dreams.
-Basketball.
-Future.
-High school.
-Real friends vs. Fake friends.
-Security.
(I'll try to get most of this covered. Haha.)
--------------------------
Okay, first, Identity.
Not a big deal really, I've just been thinking about who I used to be, who I've become, and what I'll be someday. Do we ever have a true understanding of who we are? I don't know if it's possible. Sure, I know facts about myself, like foods that I like, and music I like. But still, even things like that can change.
-I used to be happy, naive, and a little stupid about trusting people. I used to never think about anything, I used to be so carefree. I used to love singing and being with friends. At least, this is how I saw myself.
-Now, I'm still happy, just in different ways. I'm still naive, just in the "blinded by love" kinda way. I don't trust people anymore. Things happen and I learned that I just can't. I worry about everything now, I'm always stressed about EVERYTHING. But I see now that you have to worry about something or it seems like you don't care. I love basketball now and I enjoy my alone time. I've become bitter and I work on it daily. At least, this is how I know see myself.
-In the future, I hope to be happy, and surrounded by people that I can trust and make me feel amazing. I want to have a good life, don't we all? It sounds so cliche, but I just want to happy when I grow up, and honestly, I'm scared.
---------------------------------
Okay, second, dreams.
I had a dream the other day about something I never thought I would dream about. I don't know how to explain myself to people without sounding like one of those stupid teenagers that says "OH MY GOSH, We're gonna grow up and go to college and have 3 kids and get married and have a perfect life together!!!"
Yeah, trust me, that's not what I'm going for. I'm just looking forward to coming home to someone everyday. And yes, I'm only 16, but I know what I want.
-------------------------------
Okay, third, basketball.
I love it. The end.
It's that simple.
--------------------------------
Okay, fourth, future.
My future is something that scares the crap out of me but I'm starting to get a plan. I really want to go to TCU. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I think this a step.
------------------------------
That's all I have the energy for now.
So I'll be back soon.
----------------------------
Brenton made me listen to this song and I'm in love.
Colder weather-Zac Brown Band

She’d Take Colorado if he’d take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in
Wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay
She’s answered by the tail lights
shining through the window pane


He said I want to see you again, but I’m stuck in
Colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then
She said you’re a rambling man, you ain’t ever gonna
change
You got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for
leaving

At a truck stop diner just outside of lincoln,
the night as black as the coffee he was drinking,
And in the waitress eyes he sees the same old light a
shining,
And thinks of Colorado and the girl he left behind
there


He said I want to see you again, but I’m stuck in
Colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then
She said you’re a rambling man, you ain’t ever gonna
change
You got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for
leaving, born for leaving


Well it’s a windy road when you are in the lost and
found
You’re a lover and I’m a runner
We go round and round and round
And I love you but I leave you
I don’t want you but I need you
You know it’s you that calls me back in vain

Whoa, I want to see you again, but I’m stuck in Colder
weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then
Cause I’m a rambling man, I ain’t ever gonna change (I
ain’t ever gonna change)
You got a gypsy soul to blame and I was born for
leaving, born for leaving

When I close my eyes I see you,
no matter where I am.
I can smell your perfume through these whispering
pines.
I’m with your ghost again, it’s a shame about the
weather,
I know soon we’ll be together, and I can’t wait till
then,
I can’t wait till then.


<3

Just wondering if I'm going insane or if my dreams are trying to tell me something.

Is it dangerous that I feel like this? Some would say so. I don't think so.

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'."

-John Mayer

Continued.

Well helllllllo.
This is just a continuation of my rambling that was last night's post.

So first, jealousy.
I hear the word, and I want to barf. It's something I've always struggled with. Well. Not always. I don't blame anyone else for my stupid problems but me. It's my fault that I have absolutely no self-confidence in anything that I do. Sure, some situations have taken place that have made me doubt myself, but they don't matter anymore. I want so badly to be able to just shrug things off, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Jealousy is in direct connection with my bitterness. The two together make me this negative, horrible person. They control me. I try so hard to not let them affect me, but I can't lie to myself. Being jealous is the most uncomfortable feeling ever, it makes my skin crawl. Being bitter is like never enjoying anything. It's being pessimistic when you have every reason in the world to be positive.
I'm nothing but a jealous, bitter, angry girl.

Next, teenagers.
Ughhhh. I hate being labeled as a teenager. I am so ashamed.
It's terrible how people act in high school.
That's all I have to say about THAT.
I would say some very bad things about some people if I didn't stop myself right here...

I wanna go crazy, you can go crazy too.

It's been awhile.

How's it going?
It's that time of the year when everything just starts running together and every weekday feels the same and everyone says the same things everyday and they always get on your nerves but you're too exhausted to say anything to them about it.

I have a few things to talk about and they will turn into rambling so be prepared. Ha, I'm acting as if people actually read this.

First, I don't understand why I can't do well in a history class. I guess it's because it's all just memorization and I've never been good at that. I've always been really good at math because it's something you're always working at. It's in everyday life and I've always been able to understand it so well.
I have some decisions to make regarding my history class and the direction that it is going.


Second, thinking about the universe and what ia beyond any one's comprehension is terrifying to me. When I was young, I would lay in bed and think about what was way beyond what the human brain could understand. It's always been something I've been scared of. I don't know what to believe about anything anymore. I grew up in church and I will always believe that we are here because of God and all that jazz, but still, there's so much more to it than that. I've always thought about it way too much and it's always gotten me in trouble. I'm not questioning my faith in God or anything like that. I just like people to have a full understanding of what is out there and where the world is going to be in about a bajillion years.
The whole idea to me is closely linked to the whole idea of death. And yes, death is something that has always terrified me. But just let me explain. I'm not afraid of where we go when we die, or whatever. I'm scared of not doing enough in the time that I am here. We're only here for so long and I don't want my life to be a waste. I don't want to be 80 years old and look back on my life and think about all the things I should've done. The whole idea of feeling incomplete is another thing that terrifies me.
"Do not fear death, only the unlived life. You do not have to life forever, you just have to live."

I'm tired.
So topics for next time:
Jealousy.
Teenagers.
Kids.
And some more stuff.

Goooooooodnight.

"I was standing all alone against the world outside. You were searching for a place to hide. Lost and lonely, now you've given me the will to survive. When we're hungry, Love will keep us alive."

Ugh.
Thinking about pointless things will forever be my downfall.

So many questions that I'm scared to know the answers to.

"I don't have time to enjoy what I have. I'm too worried about losing it."

It's now 11:42 and I'm getting in bed.
I hate being the last one to go to sleep.


So many thoughts.

ITS ALMOST HALLOWEEN :) :) :) :)
Woohoooooooooo.
Haha.

I had a great day, nothing exciting happened.
That is all.
I am happy.
And in love, no big deal.
-------------------


This is for the people holding hands
This is for the ones with broken hearts

What I'm trying to explain
Is in our lives there'll come a day
When we'll find those feelings lost in the dark

It's the fallin', the flyin'
The losin', the tryin'
It's that crazy little thing that we call love

When it comes to you
If I had to tell the truth
'Bout the mixed up thoughts my mind's been thinkin' of

It's like the sunshine
And it's like the rain
You bring me pleasure and you bring me pain
I'm in over my head
Got you under my skin
Ain't love somethin'

Cheer up my little buttercup
Your eyes are filled with reasons not to stay
Let me say this once again
Not as a poet, as your friend
The things you're thinking right now
I think every day

It's like the sunshine
It's like the rain
You bring me pleasure and you bring me pain
I'm in over my head
Got you under my skin
Ain't love somethin'

It's like the sunshine
And it's like the rain
You bring me pleasure and you sure bring me pain
I'm in over my head
Got you under my skin
Ain't love somethin'

I'm in over my head
Got you under my skin
Ain't love somethin'

Don't be stupid, you know I love you.

"The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves."



Yeah, I really don't have much to say because everything that is on my mind is way too complicated for anybody reading this to understand.

Tomorrow is Monday.
Not sure how I feel about that.

You know what sucks? Not being able to let go of things. If I could help it, I wouldn't be bitter, or jealous, or worry about a thing. I want to be able to just forget about stuff.

Sorry for the stupid post.
I have a lot to say. But like I said before,
You wouldn't understand.

I see your blue eyes, everytime I close mine;

It's that time of night when I call I can do is think.
ThinkThinkThink.
Can I sleep? Of course not!

If only I could say everything I thought.. Then I'd really be in trouble. Or dead.

So anyways.

Coach gave us these blue bracelets today and he wants us to wear them all the time. And every time we have another negative thought about someone, we take the bracelet off and put it on the other wrist.
My bracelet should be nice and stretched out in a couple of weeks..
Sad, but true. I guess I should work on this.







Ugh, bitterness. My greatest downfall.


My life is good and I just need to realize that more often.

------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know what I would do without you.
You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. People that don't know me will think I'm stupid when they read this, but who cares. You make me feel better when I'm sad, and you talk sense into me when I'm being stupid. You care about me, and I love the fact that you're the only person that makes me feel safe. You can always make me smile all the time and I can never stay mad at you, I guess you're just too cute. You broke me, then you put me back together.
It amazes me how one person changed my life so dramatically.
----------------------------------------------------------


Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

The Fray-Happiness

Say I am, wonderful.

"Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it."

I hate Monday-Thursday. It's the same thing every day and it's all so much too handle.
I can't wait until Friday/Saturday/Sunday.
But whatever.

I am happy. He is happy.
We are happy, together.
Please don't try to end that.

If you are a high school student and you are in a relationship, and you have a facebook, please keep your mushy, lovey dovey stuff to yourself, especially if you've only been dating for a couple of weeks and you already think you are so in love.
Thanks.




I'm tired of a lot of things at the moment.
But mostly, I am just tired.

Goodnight.

Oh, and something that's been bothering me lately.. I feel like I was prettier a year or so ago then I am today.
Who knows.

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us

I'm just a person, but you can't take it.

"People need something or someone to fasten themselves to in order to reassure themselves that they are real."

Oh hey, how's it been?
Great, I'm glad.

It's awfully early in the day for me to be posting a blog and I feel incredibly awkward. But oh well.
Anyways.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday for my shoulder that has been hurting me lately. Now, I've had a history of having horrible (HORRIBLE) posture. But I wasn't expecting to be as bad as it is. I don't know how to explain it without sounding completely dumb. But basically, my spine is crooked and it's causing a series of problems in my shoulder. YAY.

Also, the drama and stuff that comes with high school girls is seriously exhausting. I don't need friends that constantly bring me and my other friends down. Seriously, some people need a reality check.


I. Am. So. Tired.

"And so today, my world it smiles, Your hand in mine, we walk the miles, Thanks to you it will be done, For you to me are the only one."

And you're the reason i come home.

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that i may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don't know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorry, the need to keep on keeping on?..I don't know the answer. I know only that I can't. I don't want anymore of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am sixteen and I am already exhausted."

This past week was the worst week of Junior year so far, yay.
These are just some random thoughts.. Some are directed towards certain people.. Some are not.. You know how it is.

Anyways, here goes.

-----------

-I am so terribly sorry that I can't be perfect for you. I will always try my best, keep that in mind.

-If you are small and you walk the halls of my high school, beware. Get out of my way because I will, not to me intentionally mean, run you over. I have places to be and not long to get there. So call me whatever bad names you want to, just get out of the way.

-If you are a big person and you walk to the hallways of my school, I will stay out of your way, if you stay out of mine.

-All my life I've been labeled as the girl who hates the idea of having children and being married. And not that I've changed my mind, I've just given some serious thought to why I feel that way. The whole idea of a human being being basically half you and half someone else, is just fascinating. Along with gross, and annoying because you have to add in the crying and throwing up and so on and so on. But that is all, in some cases, tolerable... for some people. Now there are two main reason why I can't see myself having a child.
1)Not that I am a selfish person in anyway, but I can't see myself sacrificing my time and everything else I have to take care of a child. And that sounds worse than it really is, because I suck at describing what I mean. But all my life I've been an only child and I've never had to watch out for someone younger than me, much less dependent on me. It's always been me taking care of.. well, me.
2)Putting a child into this world that us human beings have created in something I could never stand to do. It's a big bad world out there, add about 20 years to it and see how well you like the idea of letting your child live in it..

-I can't wait to get my first tattoo! I am seriously so excited.

-When I get excited and happy, I get loud and obnoxious.. And I am terribly sorry.





I have a lot more to say but I can't keep my eyes open.
Goodnight!

My eyes, head, and heart are heavy with exhaustion.

I have notes everywhere in the most random places about stuff I want to say.
They will be on here soon enough.
I promise.

Who made you king of anything?

I had a fabulous weekend.
Thank you very much.

Tomorrow is Monday. And for the first time all year, I'm dreading it.


I had an awful dream last night and I really don't want a repeat.

Anyways,
This was a pointless post.


I love Brenton.
That is all.

<3
^Gay

Haha. Goodnight!

"I'm obsessively opposed to the typical"
How's it going?
Good? I'm glad.

Today was picture day and I'm pretty sure my picture was nothing less than awful and I'm perfectly fine with that.

TOMORROW IS THE OFFICIAL FIRST DAY OF FALL. Not that the temperature is going to change or anything.. But hey it makes me feel better. Like, "hey, you wouldn't happen to know what season it is, would ya?" and just being like "oh yeah, it's definitely FALL"
Haha, excuse my fantasy.

Just a few random thoughts:

-Tomorrow is date night, what up?

- The level of respect that my friends demonstrate on a regular basis scares the crap out of me. Self-respect and respect for others just seems to be out of style at my high school, and it's rather annoying.

- Someone surprised me today, they smiled at me and I was definitely not expecting it

- I'm extremely lucky to have a great surrounding of people. Everyone from Brenton to my spanish teacher is so important to me. What a lucky person.

- I find it so fabulous that someone I haven't been close to in about two years felt comfortable enough to ask ME for advice. ME

- night night.

Person 1,
You know exactly who are because you know I love you. So much. I don't care what anyone has to say. You are the best part of my life and you make me so happy. I get stupid and silly around you like a middle school girl with a really big crush, but it's way more than that. I would write you books on how much I love you but that would get seriously repetitive and boring for you to read, haha. You've been by my side for almost two years now, ane even though I thought you left for awhile, you never did. Thank you for not giving up on me. I was patient and waited because I knew that someday,
It would all be worth it.
............................

Dear everyone else,
Some of you I love, some of you I cannot stand.
But whoever you are, thank you.
For everything.
For every amazing or shitty thing you've put me through.
Thanks.
Really.

Your dark hair across my pillow tells me I finally got it right.

Mama, you taught me to do the right things.
So now you have to let your baby fly.
You've given me everything that I will need,
To make it through this crazy thing called life.
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me.

And I think I found the answer to your prayers.

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama theres no way you'll ever lose me.
And giving me away is not goodbye.
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes.

Cause he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Oh, I am so happy.
Everything is good and I want it to stay that way.



I read this on Rachel's facebook and I found it interesting..
If you read the whole thing, go you.
...

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but
shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and
hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to
life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer
space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom,
but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more
computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything
from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share
this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks
up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave
your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most
of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from
deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person might
not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to
share the precious thoughts in your mind."
— Bob Moorehead



Catchalaterrrr.

Our strength will get us far.

"You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole. And convinced yourself that it's not the reason that you don't see the sun anymore."


HappyHappyHappy.
That's me.
Don't try to take me down with you.

I got in my first wreck yesterday.
It happens.


ANYWAYS.
Life is gooooooood.

Insane.

I've always been one to like a song because of the lyrics, not necessarily the music. Strange? Maybe. 
Anyways, I know this song is popular and whatever. But hey, it's good. 

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And cursed at the wind
He broke his own heart
And i watched
As he tried to re-assemble it

And my momma swore 
that she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darlin',
You, are, the only exception
But, you, are, the only exception
But, you, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe i know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And i've always lived like this
Keeping it comfortable, 
distance, and up until now
I'd sworn to myself that I'm content
With loneliness
Because none of it 
was ever worth the risk, but...

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception


And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing.
------------------------

Life in one word, is fabulous.
Just a few thoughts to keep you updated on my "life". 

-cross country tomorrow. 2 mile run in 9373633 degree weather. Very exciting. 

- I'm becoming so stressed out by the smallest things lately. I don't know what the deal is. 

-and last but not least.. If you're reading this you probably already know why I'm so happy.
The feeling of finally finding what you've been searching for for almost 2 years.. It's nice. 

Its like trying to tell a zebra it doesn't have stripes.


"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

My name is Shiloh Jenkins,

And I have a low tolerance for people telling me how to live my life. Seriously? Hence the word MY in the phrase "MY life". 
Whatever. 

Today, I witnessed emptiness from a different perspective. I saw something I never want to have to see again. 
To watch someone you love lose the one thing that makes them whole is one of the most earth-shattering things I've ever been around to see. 
I watched one of the strongest people I know become broken in a matter of seconds. 

I had a great weekend. My mom, my aunt, my cousin, and I went to Gruene to see Charlie Robison. Which was AMAZING. It was my third time to see him, and it was awesome. I fought off flocks of women to protect my tiny mother. Hahaha. 

And like always, I will tell you just how perfect a part of my life is  Yeah, that's just how it is, perfect. 
I feel good all the time even when the crappiest things happen. Nothing can bring me down. 
Well, yeah. 


"Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker."  ~Author Unknown

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down.  That's the thing about girls.  Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are."  ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1945

The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it.  You and you alone make me feel that I am alive.  Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough.  ~George Moore

"You are the best thing that's ever been mine"
I hate Taylor Swift, but I love that line.
Her songs would be so good... If she didn't sing them.
Bahaa.

So what's up? It's been awhile.

School is officially underway and it's going to be a difficult year.
And for some reason,
I am so excited.


Is it weird to think about how things would be if something were to happen to you and you weren't around anymore?
I think about it a lot and i always wonder how people would react.
I wonder what kind of impression I would leave on people and how much they would miss me and if they would be miserable or if they would even care.
I hate thinking about it sometimes. I feel like I would be forgotten. Maybe not immediately, but maybe I would never cross anybody's mind after a few years.
This may sound so weird to you, but I picture my funeral and i try to figure out who would be crying and who wouldn't even show up. And those other kids that I never took the time to know, or even pay attention to. They would be there just to say they went. Just a few more faces to make me feel more loved even though I wouldn't be there to see it.
I'm not thinking about it in a dark way, just a thoughtful way.

On another note, my brain hurts and things are about to get real hectic.
Its going to be a long year.

Finally, I want to be everything that you could ever want in a person. I want to be your definition of perfect. I want to be everything you could ever need. I want a lot, and I want it all for you.

"I can't wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams, where we can dance upon a star. And I'll be as patient as a girl in love could ever be, cause i don't feel like I was real until you apart of me"

Its just perfect.

Anyways, school started Monday and I love it.
Junior year! It's weird looking back when you were a freshman and you thought the upperclassmen were so old looking and whatnot. And now we're those kids. The kids the freshmen are terrified of.
Even though there is no reason to be.
Haha. I love it.


Life is great, and gets better every day.

How bout you, with the eyes?

Oh,hey.
School starts in six days and I'm excited. School is one of the most awesome places ever. Seriously.

Things are going well. Not great, but hey. It'll do for now.
It's amazing how different parts of your life can be so.. well, different.

One part of my life is so close to perfect, I have to wonder if it's real sometimes. I don't know how to explain it. It's the best feeling in the world. It's security, happiness, and understanding all wrapped up into this awesome person that I know I don't deserve. Every day it gets better.
It's just amazing.

A penny for my thoughts.

-I could never hate you. My heart wasn't made for that. And it wasn't made for what you're putting it through. You know me well and I feel like you take advantage of that. You know I have a bad temper and you push me until I get a bad attitude and then you get every right to get mad at me. You know it's easy for me to feel sorry for people. You make me feel bad about things that every other teenager would never give a second thought to. People tell me all the time how smart I am, but you make me feel so stupid. I am smart, that is something that I have going for me, please don't take that away.
Being beautiful is a whole different story.
I was born this way, and I wish it would be good enough. Few people tell me I'm beautiful and you have no idea how good it feels when they do. I wish you told me. I want to hear it from you. I know my skin isn't perfect, every morning I wake up and pray that my skin doesn't look any worse than it did the day before. And my teeth. I hate them. You know that. I would do anything in the world to have perfect teeth. I don't smile in pictures because of them. I hate them, more than any other part of my body. But my hair, I love my hair. I really do. A lot of people do, actually. I get compliments all the time on how nice it is. But none of those really matter, especially when I hear how much you don't like it.
I wasn't given much self confidence. I'll probably never have much. But I'll never blame you.
I have so much to say, but I know I'll never be able to say it.
So I'll say one more thing. Nothing big, or earth-shattering. Just a few simple words that I will always mean, no matter how mad at you I am or how much I think I hate you.

I love you.


I'm mad at you now, and I probably will be until everything in this place gets fixed. But I know, just because of the kind of person I am, that I always love you.
It's just the way my heart was made.

Oh, captain.

I watched the movie Dead Poet Society with my dad, and it was really good. I strongly recommend watching it.
--
"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck all the marrow out of life. To put all to rest that was not life. And not, when I come to die, discover that I had not lived."
--
I love you, and I always will. But I just don't know. I can't go a day without hearing how bad my hair looks or how bad the condition of my skin is.
I want to believe I'm beautiful,
and you make it seem impossible.
--
"I pretend that I'm over you, that I don't love you.
It almost works too, until I see your face or hear your voice. Then all I can think about is how beautiful you are and how I would give anything to spend the rest of my life with you.
But.. You love her.
And I'm just your best friend."

I was on the website sixbillionsecrets.com and I found this.
I'm so glad I'm not in that place anymore.
--
Today was a sucky day.
My self-esteem is so low.
My faith in family is fading.

Things aren't supposed to be like this.

Life is so lovely.
Seriously.
I am so happy.


I just got back from vacation and it was awesome.
We left on Sunday morning and headed straight to New Braunfels.
We met my aunt, 3 cousins, my grandma and her sister down there.
We went to schlitterbahn and did that skycoaster thing.. You know where it lifts 3924983 feet into the air and drops you straight towards the ground? Yeah, that's it. I had to pull the stupid cord that released us and when it came time to pull it, I couldn't find it. That was fun.

It was nice knowing that I couldd spend that much time with Brenton without getting on each others nerves. It was perfect.. Am I allowed to say that?

My close friends tell me all the time how lucky I am, and when I really think about it, I know they're right. I have everything I could ever want. Sure, I complain about some really stupid things sometimes, but when it comes down to it, everything is good. I don't have a need to worry about something stupid like a label. That's really easy to say.

Anyways, I'm rambling.
Goodnight :)

Just a simple day.

Had a great dayyyyy.
Woke up around 11 (really late for me) then just casually went through my day.
I will be without a car for a few days, not good. But oh well.

IM SO EXCITED FOR VACATION.
I really do love my family.

Then when I get back from vacation it's going to be almost school time :)
I am such a nerd, and it doesnt bother me at all.
I tried to check my schedule Online and it's all sorts of funky.

It has a list of all my classes with numbers beside them, but physics is just at the top with no number beside it.
So this is what it looks like:

Physics
1. Pre-cal
2. Computer programming
4. Spanish 3
5. US dual credit history
6. English 3 AP
8. Athletics

So I'm guessing physics is 7th? Who knows.
Haha.

Anyways, life is good.
:)

,

I don't really know what the point of this is going to be.
But whatever.

Everything feels wrong.



Is there an award the biggest screw-up?
There should be.

Some people=no help.

Between you and I.

Oh, hey.
I'm stupid.
Yeah.
Next subject..........





I got nothin.

Thought of the day:
It's amazing how there are some things you never forget.

It was one photo comment in 8th grade.
And it's forever changed my opinion of myself.

Stupid.

I'm an assassin and I had a job to do.

Hi.
This is another one of those blogs where I write random things to random people.
Here goes.

#1-
I had a blast hanging out with you yesterday and at church camp. I wish we hung out more often.

#2-
You have no idea how much you affect me. Most of the time I think you got what you deserved. But some of the time, it's not that easy for me to just think that.
You want to know the truth? Not a day goes by that I don't blame myself for what happened. I feel so bad sometimes even though there's always apart of me that knows that everything happened because it's just the way it's supposed to be. It's like having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I want to tell you what is on my mind. But I know you wont listen and you won't care.
I know you hate me.

#3-
You, my friend are nothing but trouble. You want a good life? Then start living one.

#4-
I don't understand you. You love me one second then cant stand to look at me the next. I try so hard to be perfect for you. You have no idea how hard I try just to make you happy. I want you to be proud of me but sometimes I wonder if its really worth it. I know you love me, and when I do make you happy, I can see the light in your eyes. And that's why I do what i do.

#5-
I love you so much. You are one of the two strongest women I know. I don't understand how you get up in the morning and deal with all shit you do. I know it kills you, and i know that i'm the only reason you're still hanging on. One day, after i graduate, I want you to go so far. Get your heart and run as far as you can. You deserve to be free.
But for now, stay here with me.

#6-
You are my everything. And I know how cheesy I sound when I talk about how happy you make me, but every single word is true. I get stupid and I can never talk correctly when I'm around you. I laugh like an idiot and I probably make the dumbest faces without knowing it. I've known you for awhile now, and I still get all nervous and giddy when i know I'm about to see you. It's like I'm in elementary school all over again when I'm with you, nothing else matters.
No matter where we go, and what happens, just know that i love you. You will always have a piece of me.

What a shame we all became, such fragile broken things.

HI.

I cleaned/organized my desk today and it was no surprise that it was a disaster. No wonder I lose papers and get zeros and all sorts of jazz that gets my dad mad at me. Hah. I found all the junk that all these colleges have been sending me and I put it all in a cute little binder and it makes me giggle that I was doing so much organization for all these colleges that think my name is "Shllon". Mhmm, I have no idea how that happened.

My daddy brought home 2 kitties today! I have no idea what to name them.. They're both girls I believe.
:)

I'm soooo ready for vacation. I love my family, and I'm so glad Brenton gets to go with me this yearrrr.

I'm so so so so so so so so so so so ready for school to starttttt.



Byeyyeyeyeyeyeyeyyeyeyeeye.

You give me love, love, love, love-

Crazy love.

Oh heyyyyyy.
I've got a lot on my mind. So I'll just warn you now that its going to be a lot of unorganized rambling. Sorry in advance.

I've been having weird dreams lately and I want them to stop. They make me think of people and events that I don't want to think about.

Basketball is almost over for the summer, thank goodness. I don't know how much more I can take.

Honestly, I have no idea what I want to do after high school. And I don't know if I'm worried or not. I guess I should be, but something is just telling me to relax.

I have no words left. Bye.




"I've become so defenseless, despite these weapons I wear"

Somewhere out there.

"You're falling back to me,
You're a star that I can see.
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.
You're falling out of reach,
Defying gravity.
I know you're out there,
Somewhere out there.

Hope you remember me,
When you're home sick ,
and need a change.
I miss your purple hair.
I miss the way you taste.
I know you'll come back someday.
On a bed of nails I’ll wait.
I’m praying that you don’t burn out,
Or fade away.

All we are,
Is all so far"

Oh hey happy. What's up?
I just got back from seeing Michael Buble with Brenton. It was AMAZING.

I'll write more later when I'm on an actual computer. Haha.

Byeeeeee.

It's only love that we're falling in.

Oh, hi. What's up?
In about 8 hours I will be leaving for Intensity.
I'm nervous, and I don't know why.
There are just some people I'm seriously scared to be without.

Positive thought-
I need a break from certain people.

It's on.

Oh heyyyy.
What's up? How's it going? How you been?

More random thoughts.

-less than 48 hours until Intensity. So excited. So nervous.

-around 2 weeks until vacation? I need it.

-I can't wait for school to start!

-some people just really kill me.

-I wish some people knew how they mad me feel sometimes. I don't think they do it on purpose. But still.

I think I'll be gone away awhile.

Happy late fourth. I hope everyone had a fabulous time because I sure did. I got another iPhone on Saturday and that made me happy.

I want to be happy, I really do. I have everything I could ever need to be perfectly content with life. But I don't know, I let stupid things get to me.

My dog ran away for the second night in a row. We found her but seriously, what's the deal?

I don't understand people. I never have, and I never will.

You can't stop my shine.

Yeah, I don't have anything to say.

I know exactly what I want. I know how I feel.
I just don't know about other people.

I don't make you happy anymore.

.............................................

-I hate myself sometimes. Like really really hate myself. I do stupid things that only make me angry at everyone. I wish I had so much more self control when it came to some things. But whatever. It's just something else I've got to deal with.

-I always let the little things get to me. It's so easy to make me cry, it's not even funny. For certain people, it only takes a few words to kill me. I turn into goo in some people's hands. If only they knew they had so much control.

-Jealousy will always be my biggest problem. Always always always.

-Bitterness will always be my second biggest problem. My outlook on the world has become so negative. I used to be the most positive person ever and then I became awfully bitter and it never bothered me until now.

-I want it to be august so bad. I miss school. If I'm at school, that means I can't be home and that's a good thing. I miss seeing everyone everyday and having a routine and learning.

-Go away. You are seriously the most annoying human I know and I hate myself for being so rude. LET IT GO.

-!@#$%^&*&^%$#@!@#$%?!@#?$. That's how I feel right now.

Once again,

I am trying so hard.



How difficult would it be for you to return it?





Pretend if you have to, it's better than nothing.


"Love is an ocean wide, we swim in the tears we cry."

When I get where I'm goin,

Oh heyyy.
Random thoughts.


-I miss the good ol' days of MySpace, you know?

-I. Do. Not. Like. My. Hair.

-I am so so so so so so ready for school to start..

-My knee hurts.

-Things are finally getting normal. Usually, someone's trying to ruin something or trying to bring me down in some way. It's nice not having to worry about anything.

-Toy Story 3 was awesome, I can't wait to see Despicable Me!

-"Does this count as annoying?" I seriously haven't laughed that hard in a real long time.

-I love feeling like a kid again.

-My name is Shiloh. Shiloh Jenkins, to be exact. No, I was not named after the dog. No, I was not named after the battle. And no, I was not named after Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby. Thanks though.

-Though I am tanner, my tanline is not gone. >:(



-Pray for the animals. They don't deserve this.

Take me away,

To January. I'm done with this year, I'm tired of everyone here.


I am so tired of trying so hard, and getting absolutely nothing in return.


"You're gonna miss this,
you're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these days,
hadn't gone by so fast."

I told you so.

#*?!@*?!#
I'm just a big ball of emotion right now.
Its a constant battle between what I need, what I deserve, and what I want.

Some things apparently need to stop. Even though I don't want them to.

I deserve, want, and need to be happy. But my wants and needs never seem to work together.

Ugh. I'm just rambling because I have no idea how to explain myself.

"Oh, I'm begging you no, there's more life left to go"

Be a best friend.

What's upppp?
The past week has been so tiring. Saturday and Sunday we had a tournament in Weatherford. We played 5 games.
I then woke up at 4:30 on Monday morning to drive myself to Abilene for more basketball. We played 8 games in 3 days.
That's 13 games in 5 days.
I had practice last night, and I guess my knees just decided to give up. I had to sit out of practice.
But whatever. My back is still killing me and my knees still hurt, but it's the weekend! and I'm going to Granbury! So that kinda makes up for all the pain.

My dad promised that if I got good grades that I would get another iPhone.. The new one comes out on Thursday..
:D

Anyways, life is good and I hope it keeps getting better!

Byeeee.

What's the rush?

I totally just realized that I haven't posted anything in 6 days.
That's quite awhile for me.

Anyways, how's it going?
Awful? Yeah, me too.

There's one part of my life that is amazing, and the rest is just going in the complete wrong direction. I want to be happy all the time. I don't want to go back to the way I felt last summer. Not the heartbreak, but the lack of desire to do anything. I have no drive anymore, no passion. I don't really know what happened.

I've been crying a lot lately. I don't know, but nothing seems to be going right.

Its the summer. Things are supposed to be fabulous.




Right?

...................

Oh, hey.

I'm really hoping some people get over themselves reaaaaal soon.
And that some other people would stop asking so many questions.
And that someone would just open their eyes.

It's gonna mess up your head.

I have so many things to say, but I somebody would probably kill me if I said them.
So I'll just say a few things.



-There is not a single word I could use to describe you. Crazy, psycho, insane, stupid. Pick your favorite. You are so good at making a fool of yourself.

-YOU are not in control of my happiness. You never will be. I tried to be your friend, I trusted you, and you ruined everything. I hope you're proud of yourself. I used to feel bad for you, I used to blame myself for everything that happened to you, but I'm done with that. So please stop trying to push me. Again, you're only making yourself look stupid.

-Like I said a few days ago, I'm done trying to please you. I try so hard to make you happy. You're just a hypocrite. I still love you, and I probably always will. But seriously, get off my back.

I'd be lying through my teeth,

If I told you, that I'm okay.


What's upppp?
Tomorrow is Saturday and I get to wake up at 5:45 to go to Bridgeport and take my SAT..
Oh, I'm just so thrilled.

Anyways, life is pretty good at the moment. I spend my time working out and hanging out with my best friend.

-I'm tired of trying so hard for you. The other day, you told me you weren't proud of me. I never thought I would hear you say that.

"You've taken all control of everything I know. And I miss the days when I was happy on my own. When I could breathe, when I could dream. So break my heart and give me back my soul."

Water.

I found this on my camera today and I laughed.
We are so dysfunctional. :)

So how's it going?
It's summer and I couldn't be anymore excited.
I got my new calculator today and I'm taking the SAT on Saturday.


Nothing is ever perfect.

Oh, hey love.

What's up?
I had a wonderful day :)
It was a great ending to a sucky week.

But anyways.
I've had a lot on my mind lately, just not enough courage to actually say/ask the things I need to.
Whateverr.

Perfectly lonely.

"You kind of go crazy when Brenton's not around, don't you?"

"Yeah, I've realized that."

"That's not good."

"So I've heard."

Life ain't always beautiful.

What's up?
I'm so mentally exhausted, its not funny. I'm so tired of the way things are going right now. I just want things to be okay.
I miss my mom.
Tomorrow is my last day of school and I that's the only thing I have to look forward to right now.

Life isn't supposed to be like this.


I still remember the first time you told me you loved me. I asked you how you knew, and like always, you had a perfect answer.

I know,

This is my 3rd post in like an hour. Bear with me.


"Sometimes the edge serves
As more than a friend
Than you thought it would be.
And the pages you write
In your journal each night
Are your only release.
And the mask you put on
It's like words in a song.
But there's more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don't seem failures to me here at all.

Oh,I'm begging you no
There's more life left to go.
Oh,I'm begging you please
Cause I don't want you to leave.

Alone as you walk,
Through a crowd and its awkward,
Like nobody sees.
And you can't help but wonder
Would anyone come after you
If you'd leave?
So a pain grows inside,
And a fear comes alive,
Like you'll never be free.
But there's no pain you feel That I know love can't heal here at all.

Oh, I'm begging you no
There's more life left to go.
Oh, I'm begging you please
Cause I don't want you to leave me.
To leave me here on my own.
There's nothing to run from,
Oh There's nothing but fear inside you.
Oh I just hope I can find you,
And tell you that I know you'll smile again.

And every once in awhile,

It still hurts.


Just a daily reminder that I don't have you.

We must free up these tired souls,

Before the sadness kills us both.

Oh what's up?
3 more days of my sophomore year.
And I am so tired of people.

I got a chance to reevaluate the importance of everyone in my life today.
So, yeah.
I really wish I had someone to talk to.



"Try not to miss me when I'm gone"

Ohhhhh, hey!
What is up?

This has been the longest week EVER.
But tomorrow is Friday :D

"If it's love,

And we decide that it's forever, then the rest is just whatever."

Oh, hey.
I gotta lot on my mind.
Here goes.


-I know we love each other. But still. I am so so scared of losing you again. Its not that I don't trust you, its just an insecurity problem that I have.

-I want my family back.

-I miss church.

-I saved two lives today :)

-I have NO idea what I want to do anymore.

Got love?

Yeah, I thought so. Everyone does, right? Cause its just that easy.
Use that four-letter word, and you've got a ticket to absolute happiness.
Yeah, its THAT simple.
Just say it. Say it.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the way everyone reacts to that word.
And I'm not going to lie when I say that I'm amazed at how people can be so inconsiderate.



Don't say it, unless you actually feel it.
Don't say it, just because you think its what you're supposed to say.

Don't say it, just to save yourself.

Woo.

What's up?
Like 8 days of school left?
Ohhh yeah.

I'm ready for my iPhone!
And I'm really ready to spend all my time in Granbury with my best friend :)

Life is so great. Seriously, every day it gets better.

I didn't know it was possible to feel like this.

Somebody sent you a forest..

Oh, hi there.
I'm exhausted, and you are?

Today was Brenton's birthday and I feel horrible that I didn't get to see him, and I probably won't get to see him tomorrow either.
Oh, life is so awesome right now.

Did you hear the ocean singing?

Baby, did you sing along?
As you danced over the water, to some old forgotten song.
Were you even here at all?

Oh, hey.
About my previous blog, I'm sorry about my outburst, but not sorry about my opinion. It just bothers me when people are ignorant, and I really don't want to see you guys ruin your relationship before it even gets started.
Anyways, that's all I have to say about that.

On another note, I'm beginning to realize which friends of mine I can trust. I don't need people around me that talk so bad about people behind their backs then they're just sooo nice to them to their face.
Seriously, if you do that to them, what do you say about me when I'm not around?

Its only Tuesday and it feels like the longest week everrr. I need some best friend time.


Goodnightttt!

SERIOUSLY?

I didn't know you could be in love after 3 days.

'Cause rumor has it,

You love me too :)


Academic banquet, you were my favorite part of the whole entire year. The whole getting dressed up and sitting in a gym, and sweating like crazy really made my year.
Hah. But seriously, it was better than last year.

Anyways, how's it goin?
Things are going quite fabulous if you ask me.
Brenton's birthday is on Thursday then Friday we're going to see Letter's to Juliet :)
I'm so excited!

I am so so happy. I don't think I could say it enough.
Please don't take it away from me.

i've been lookin for ya baby..

Sup?
I had a GREAT weekend.
Now back to reality. I hate schoooool. I'm so ready for summmmer.


I'm so happy :)

Today was a fairytale,

Ah. I love life.
Seriously, it's quite nice right now.

It's 2:00 a.m, and I just got home from seeing Charlie Robison with Brenton.
I had a lot of fun watching drunk people. :)

It seems like there's this one topic that seems to pop up everywhere.. High school, tv, and just about anywhere you turn. Its hard to avoid, and I'm not even going to mention what it is.

In the past 6 months I've made some decisions that I would never take back. Sure, in 25 years I may think "well that was stupid", but still, I would never ever ever change a thing.
I'm so glad that I have an amazing person in my life.

But I still need to clear things up.

Today was a fairytale,

Oh, hey.

Brenton graduated from EMT school yesterday, I am so proud of him. :)

oh.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along."

I am so happy. Happier than I've been in so long. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this. I am so in love with life and almost everything that is going on. I have someone that I love more than anything and I'm lucky to be able to say that they love me the same way.

But of course, not everything can be perfect.
Some things that I've always loved are becoming a chore.
Besides singing, basketball was the first thing I loved to do. It's beginning to feel like something I have to do. I want it back to the way it used to be, but I don't think its going to get there.

Thoughts:
-I'm trying to do everything perfectly just so you will be proud of me. Its a constant struggle.
-I want the old you back. I know it's there somewhere.
-Yeah, I still hate my hair.
-Like 19 days left of school? YES.
-Summer is going to be amazing. Hopefully it will be better than what last summer was supposed to be, if that makes sense to anyone.
-I love you more than anything, please don't ever leave me.
-I am finally at peace.

Lover, lover, lover,

You don't treat me no good no more.

What's up?
My weekend was good. We got first place in our tournament and got a bid to nationals.

I got to spend some time with my best friend today, and he always makes me happy.

I am in love.
That is all.

Goodnight.

You'll always be my baby.

"Time can't erase a feeling this strong."

Oh sup?
I don't have anything to say.

I'm in love.
That is all.

:/

it only hurts when I'm breathing, my heart only breaks when it's beating, my dreams only die when I'm dreaming.
So, I hold my breath to forget.

I feel awful and I have stupid taks tomorrow.
I'm not going to have a good weekend, I can tell you that right now.

I want to believe that everything is going to be okay.

.....

I want to be looked at like I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, even though I'm not.

And if I was running, you'd be the one who I would be running to. And if I was crying, you would be lining the cloud that would pull me through.


This was my summer song.

Do you remember me,

Or how to say my name?

What's up?
Tomorrow is Monday, then I have taks on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Icky.

Then the weekend. Basketball tournament in Granbury..

Then the next week is very busy. Field trip on tuesday, greyhound challenge on wednesday, Brenton's graduation on thursday, and Charlie Robison on saturday.

Woo.

This weekend was GREAT.
Spent all my time with my best friend :)

-Dear random person #7,
I love you. So much. I can't explain to you how much you mean to me. And I know I am so impossible, but you always put up with me. I don't deserve someone like you. You make me happy, and you bring out the best in me.


:) Goodnight.

"I don't have boyfriends"

"Right, you have a best friend. And I'm pretty sure that's way better than anything anyone could ever have."



Good day.
Can't wait until tomorrow :)

Take time to realize,

Well. Kind of a sucky day.

-I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat when I complain about not having my iphone, but seriously, something was taken from me and I deserve to have it back. I check my backpack and athletics bag EVERY day, just to make sure I didn't accidentally leave it in there. I hope whoever had the balls to do this sleeps really well at night.

-I hate my hair. Hate hate hate. I feel so ugly. And I don't want to hear the "but you look beautiful with brown and blonde hair." I don't care, I hate looking in the mirror.

-Honestly, I'm tired of being told what I need to do. I cannot fix some things, and I don't know what to tell some people. You will always have your issues, and please please don't blame them on me.

-Unless I completely misunderstood, I DO have someone that loves me. Don't talk about them like they're going to be gone tomorrow. And don't talk like I'm not important to them. Call me stupid, but I'm pretty sure they care about me more than anything.

-You KNEW I would be like this. When I was in sixth grade you told my mom "she's going to grow up and fall for one person, and she's going to love them forever." Well, here we are. Don't change me.

Goodnight.

*?!@+#!*/

I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU.


Sorry.

I swear,

I'm about to run over that xbox.
I still love you.
But seriously.


I need someone to talk to.

i remember,

Every night we spent on weekends, with good friends. We did nothing but it seems like we did so much.

So. How's it goin?
Well its goin, that's for sure.
I want summer to be here. Now.
I really have nothing to say except that I'm awfully bitter and I have a hard time believing I'm a good person because of it.

!

Someday we'll look back and say "look at us now", that's why I keep on loving you.

So. What's up?
This weekend was okay.
We won both of our games yesterday but I still manage to not do enough.
Brenton saved my day, like always. I love spending time with him.

Today was the anniversary of the day everything went bad.
It amazes me how much has changed since then.
When I think about, I realize how lucky I am. I didn't give up, and I got almost everything I wanted. I did what I had to, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

And no, I don't regret getting hurt.

I don't think I could get any happier.

April 18,

It's been exactly one year.
And look where we are now.


I could not ask for more.

Oh my God.
I could kill.

You've got the curse of curves.

Sup?
I don't really know what the point of this will be, but I'll figure something out.

Congratulations to my spanish 3 people for slaving away on their pinatas :)

The only thing I can really think about is how difficult next year is going to be.
I've heard spanish 3 is hell. And pre-cal probably won't be any better. I have no "blow-off" classes. So yeah. I'm taking student council, but I'm not in the class.

And I'm sorry, but the class ahead of us (juniors) is just plain horrible. A bunch of lazy losers.
And some other words that I really shouldn't say.

The weeks are getting longer and slower. Tuesdays and Thursdays make my week awful. I have no free time.


I'm super excited for summer.
Me, best friend, and Granbury sounds pretty good to me.

What is up?

In case anybody was wondering, I am fabulous, thank you very much.

Besides a few bumps in the road, everything is going quite well.

But you know me, I always have SOMETHING to complain about, so this is my list of things to say :)

1) Don't use my relationship with someone as an excuse for your behavior. "K, thanks :)"

2) If someone disgust SO badly, then maybe, just maybe, that's a sign that you should stop thinking about/talking about them.

3) If you MUST talk badly about someone, get your facts straight. Trust me, you'll sound far less stupid.

4) "you're" the stupidest ex-girlfriend ever! Yay you.

5) In case you're just dying to know, me and my best friend are great. And I don't plan on that changing anytime soon.

Dear random person #7,

I love you,
I hope you know that.

You make me so happy, it's unbelievable.

Something in your eyes,
Makes me want to lose myself. In your arms,
There's something in your voice,
Makes my heart beat fast.
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been,
And how long I've felt so low If you knew how I wanted someone to come along,
And change my life the way you've done.
Feels like home to me,
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

She said,

You never tell me that you love me anymore, so I can't help but wonder if you do.

arg

Jealousy is a MONSTER.
Ha. Irony.

Please.

Don't let me get in your way.

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend.
Somewhere along in the bitterness.

There is nothing worse than not being able to explain yourself.
There is nothing worse than being misunderstood.
There is nothing worse than hurting someone you love more than anything.
There is nothing worse than knowing that the person that you love will probably never be able to look at you the same.
There is nothing worse than,
Regret.

Its a bunch of crap when people say they have no regrets. I guess everyone is just so perfect that they never mess up bad enough to be mad at themselves.

I don't even know where the words came from. It was a stupid situation and I was mad that it seemed like everyone was mad at me, when I didn't do anything.
I said some things I shouldn't have and long story short, I feel like I've ruined everything.

I don't want to be looked at as someone who treats the people they love like crap. I've always been a nice person and I've always given everything I've had to people that deserve it. I've always had a big heart and extreme emotions. They get the best of me a lot, but its never been this bad.

I can't believe I've let myself do this. I hate myself so much right now, I want to throw up.

My eyelids are swollen, and there is the worst pain ever having a party in my stomach.
I am so mentally exhausted but there is no way I'll be able to sleep.
I've got too much to fix.

Call me a name.
Kill me with words.
Forget about me,
It's what I deserve.

I got you, I got you

I didn't know it was possible to want someone so badly.

Loneliest weekend ever.

Granbury sucks alone.

Oh, you're gonna be alright love.

Shine on,
You were made to-
Shine on,
and you know i love you.
And even if we can or can't be friends,
We're gonna be brighter than we've ever been,
So shine on.

Thursdays=longest days ever.

If I told you I was happy, I would be lying.
If I told you I was sad, I would be lying.
So. I'm happysad.

I'm happy that I still have my best friend. But sad that things took a wrong turn.

I am so stressed out about everything right now. Everything seems to be going in the wrong direction.

I have figured out something though!
I'm going to be an engineer.
I've made up my mind.
Well, actually, Mrs. Bruno kinda did.. But whatever.

Okay, I need sleep.
So sweet dreams.
And I still love my best friend.

It's 5:19 amd I'm feeling alone.

I miss my best friend.
The end.

Here we go.

Again.

Today sucked.
My room is a disaster.
I have so much to do, I want to cry.
My chin is growing a face.
Nobody can seem to get along.






No, I'm not okay.
Thanks for asking.

This should be fun.

http://formspring.me/shilohbuff

fml

Seriously? Let it go.

You already took him once, don't you dare think about doing it again.

Well.

My mood=sucky.
I have a lot on my mind and I just want everything to work itself out.

As a whole, I don't want anything to change from the way they were about 2 days ago.

I miss my best friend.

AWESOME

Its 9 'o clock and I have absolutely no indication that you're even alive.

I'm have a serious jealously problem.
Sorry.

But still.

sat, mar 27

I hate nights like this.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate thinking about things that I don't want to think about.



I hate it when people are just too scared.

And everyone knows I'm in over my head

Only like 60something days until summer.
I'm so excited! :]
Life is great right now. Little things may go wrong, but nothing is worth complaining about.
I know who my true friends are and I know now that no matter what, some people are just not going to like me.
But whatever :)

So

What's up?
I'm sitting in Brock high school's cafeteria and I'm having loads of fun. NOT.
I have so much stuff to do and my brain hurts.
I want to sleep and cry.
And I want some people to figure out what they want and stay with it.
Whatever.

I'm not in it to win it,

I'm in it for you.

Sup?
Today was bittersweet.
I woke up, put on my new pretty shirt and honestly, I felt beautiful. School was okay, I enjoyed seeing some people.
Athletics kicked my butt. I swear, I won't be able to get out of bed in the morning!
The evening was rough, but hey I made it out alive.

So I've had an epiphany:
People suck.
That is all :)

I am oh so happy and I love my best friend.

Sweet dreams :)

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and said 'I just don't care'?"

Spring break is over.
Thank goodness.

I'm ready to get back in the swing of things. The sooner we get back to school, the faster summer comes.
Get my point?

I'm so content right now, its kind of annoying. Hah.
I want to something to complain about.
;)
Not really.

Byebye.


Oh, I love my best friend!

blah.

Well, my best friend is asleep. I hope. Seriously kinda worried..

Dear Random Person #6,
I have so much to say to you.
Honestly, I never meant to upset you. I was simply, stating the facts. I may not know "both sides of the story". But whatever.
Me and you used to be so close and now you probably hate me.
I honestly have no idea how to feel about you.

Would you fall to pieces if I never came back?

Congratulations spring break,
You suckkkk.

I'm going to write some random letters to some people that need to hear me out.
I'm not going to give them names, I'm just going to vent.

Dear Random Person #1,
You're a great friend and I wish you could've spent spring break home with me. You're too far away, and I really need someone to vent to.

Dear Random Person #2,
I've been defending you for as long as I can remember. If someone said something about you, I was there to get in their face. We used to be inseparable, but things change. It's whatever.

Dear Random Person #3 & #4,
You need me a whole lot more than I need you, and I'm sorry. I'll always be here to help you with your problems, and though I may not have the best advice, I'll try my best.

Dear Random Person #5,
I honestly don't know anything about you really, but I do have one opinion about you and it is this: You are crazy. I don't know what happened to you, but seriously, you're insane.

Dear Random Person #6,
I spend a lot of my thinking about you and how you're doing. I want you to be happy, and I think you're going about it the wrong way. You obviously weren't happy when you had what you "wanted", so please try to find your happiness in something else. You'll be okay, trust me.

Dear Random Person #7,
People can have their opinions. You make me happy, and I love you. And that's good enough for me.

Dear Random Person #8,
I used to think you were really sweet.. I'm really confused about you.

&$(*&$(&)(*#@

"All because of you, I believe in angels. Not the kind with wings. No, not the kind with halos. The kind that bring you home when home becomes a strange place."

It's spring break :)

A little bit of yourself to amaze me.

SUP.
I'm super bored.

Today Loren and I went to basketball tryouts even though we are already on a team...
Stupid? Yeah.
But whatever.

5 more days until spring break!
Even though I don't have any plans..

Spanish club field trip on Wednesday, yay for wearing those ugly yellow shirts with purple writing.


I want summer to be here so I can get my tan back and lay out in the sun all day then just sit in the hot tub for hours at a time at night.
Ha. Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen.
It'll be more like spending my time in a gym with tons of people I don't know and getting screamed at for something I didn't do.

But hey,
It could be worse!

:D

"God has given me laughter and all who hear will laugh with me."

I bought a dress yesterday that resembles a Mexican table cloth.
And I want it to be warm so I can wear it.
:)

Like american honey.

I am Shiloh Jenkins,
And I am fabulous.

I can't live without you.

Oh hey TAKS test.
It's going to take every ounce of effort that I have to not fall asleep tomorrow.

Other than that,
Things are fabulous.


I love my best friend :)

I love you from your toes to your face.

"Promise me, you'll always be happy by my side. I promise to, sing to you when all the music dies."

Oh hey,
Things have been going greatttttt.

I couldn't be happier right now.

Today was the first day of athletics since we lost to Brock over the weekend. When we lost, everyone was crying, and it really made me realize how fast high school was going to go by.
All the players, coaches, and parents were in tears when they realized it was over.
It really made me realize how important it is to have people around you that you can trust and just fall back on. There were 7 seniors on the team and they had been playing basketball together since elementary school.
It's a sad realization that all of them are going to be gone next year.

But whatever, we have to move on.

Anyways, me and best friend are going to the game later, hopefully.
Go hounds :)

I just want to,

give up on life right now.

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.

And I feel like a royally crappy person.

........

You save me and I will save the day.


I wonder sometimes why people put up with me.
I feel like a horrible person.

I wish there was a rewind option.

Hi.

I forgot to remind you that I love you.

So, what's up?
The last week has been rough.
I only got to see my best friend twice and school was horrible.

But whatever, I'm happy :)


Something really stupid has been bothering me.
I was doing one of those stupid myspace bulletins and it kept asking questions like,
"The last person you kissed, what is your relationship with them?"
"You're single, why?"
And just stupid crap like that.

I just don't know :/


Still, I'm happy.
:)

In the end, we're still so lonely.

So.
Best day ever :)
Well. Close enough.

There are still some things that I don't understand, but who cares?
I'm happy. And for now, that's all that matters.

When I'm happy, I suck at writing.
But whatever.

I love my best friend :)

Well this feels like high school.

So the greatest thing happened on Wednesday.
...................
My iPhone got stolen!
YAY!

Ugh. I hate people.

Today we got out of school because of the 48572945 inches of snow that fell last night and all day today.
No school tomorrow either. Yeasssssss.

I just need to hear it.
I need to hear how important I am.
I know, I'm needy.
And I'm sorry.

?

It was so easy the first time.












What would stop you from leaving again?

If you don't love me,

Pretend.
Honestly, I can't even listen to that song anymore.
Stupid people ruin things for me.

ANYWAYS.

I'm happy, for the most part.
:)
But every other negative emotion is always there, trying to break it's way in to destroy everything I've been trying to get to.
I just don't get it.

School is great, I've removed my head from my butt and I'm actually doing well. I think.

In the past couple of weeks, everything has changed.
I got grounded and didn't have my phone for a few days.

Well you know that dumb saying,
"absence makes the heart grow fonder", or something like that?

Well, it's the truth. Trust me.
I've always been considered an independent person,
but I honestly have no idea what I would do without my best friend.
Not being able to talk to him made me really realize how important he is to me.
I just really wish we didn't have to basically hide ourselves from everyone else.
It kinda sucks.

But whatever,
I'm happy and bitter. Perfect?
Well, it will have to do for now.



:)

She's bacckkkk.

WHAT'S UP?

It's been about 17 days since I've been on this thing.
Because:
1. I got grounded.
2. Stupid Internet wouldn't work on my computer so I let it sit in the corner for two weeks straight.
3. For all things that an iPhone can do, writing on your blog is not one of them.


Anyways, I have homework so I'm gonna go get that done.
A lot has happened in the past month so I'll get back on and write about that laterrrrrrr.

What. Is. Up?

Oh heyyyy.
I'm grouchy, and you are?

Had a pretty awesome weekend.

I went out to eat with RachelAlexandraMelnychenko on Saturday.
Then went to Granbury with my best friend.

Woke up this morning and went to breakfast and then watched the cowboys get their butts handed to them.

It is so obvious to me sometimes how much I love my best friend.
I just wish everyone else wouldn't try to understand everything about us.

Sweeet dreams.

We need answers.

I have no idea what I want.
And I know it must be real freaking inconvenient for everyone to have this big question mark in the air, but please, just imagine how I feel for just one second.

Actually, if I really think about it, I know exactly what I want.

I want to be happy.
I want my best friend to be happy.
I want me and my best friend to be happy all the time.

Is that too much to ask for?

I am alone.
And that is one of the few things that I am sure of.


What is happiness anyways?
I think it's just a word that we throw around too much.

Rules of Loneliness.

-Just wait. Wait until you hear the door close and then you can run. Run as fast as you want. Straight to the bathroom just in case you get sick.

-Congratulations, you've made to the cold, hard bathroom floor.

-Cry. Cry until you can't cry anymore. It's the best release, trust me.

-Hold up. Make sure you turn the water on, so your parents think that you are simply, just washing your face. When your water has been on awhile, turn on the radio. Really loud.

-When your throat is sore and your eyes are too swollen to see, it's time to get up. Relocate.

-I suggest the bed. Or at least a carpeted floor.

-Now, be still.

-Tell yourself over and over again that you are not crazy.

-Tell yourself that you love him, and that's why it hurts.

-I know you're still crying. And that's okay.

-When you can feel the ache from your head to your toes, just let it be. There is no way to get rid of it.

-If you're not in bed yet, get there.

-Pray, everything will be okay someday.

-Be still.

Down, you can't hold me down.

I really have nothing to say.

I hate people. Especially girls.

But whatever.
I guess it's just me, being bitter.

Whatever.
Whatever.
Whatever.



I love Rachel Alexandra Melnychenko.
I've missed our talks. It's nice to have them back.


I also love my best friend.
I think he forgets that.

She had a very pretty face.

I've realized that I am an expert at making a total fool of myself.

I hate fighting with people.
I hate when people use the f word.
I hate feeling like an idiot.

I'm being stupid, I realize that. I just wish that I had people would understand why I do what I do.


Maybe soon I'll be able to "let go".
Whatever.