Live from Lubbock

"Close your eyes and clone yourself.
Build your heart an army,
To defend your innocence,
While you do everything wrong.

Don't be scared to walk alone.
Don't be scared to like it.
There's no time that you must be home,
So sleep where darkness falls.

Alive in the age of worry,
Smile in the age of worry,
Go wild in the age of worry,
And say, 'Worry, why should I care?"


Hey y'all. Like always, it's been awhile since I've put anything on here and honestly, my life has done a complete 180 since the last time I poured my heart out to the few people that actually read this. A lot can happen in a matter of 10 months.. and that's an understatement. Here are some things that you might have missed-

Lubbock, Texas is now the place I call home. I packed my bags at the end of the semester in San Marcos without having any idea where I would be attending school in the fall. Saying that I love San Marcos and Texas State University is a colossal understatement, and not a day goes by that I don't miss my freshman year of college. But towards the end of July, it had been determined that I would be attending Texas Tech University. I had never been to Lubbock before and honestly, I never thought of it as a place I could see myself living. However, it became my home without me having any idea what I was getting myself into.
So far, it has treated me well. I've met some great people and I've realized that there are things beyond what San Marcos and Texas State had to offer.

Since my last post, I've fallen in and out of a relationship, and let's just say, it was a whole lot easier falling into it than it was getting myself out of it. The relationship was a good one, but it didn't have the foundation to last over 7 hours of distance between us and it just created two angry people who took it out on each other. I brought the baggage of a failed relationship all the way with me to Lubbock and within two weeks, I was carrying it back to San Marcos only to realize that the other person wasn't feeling the weight of the baggage at all. With all that said, I've learned a lot in the past ten months about what it means to be in a relationship that, regardless of circumstance, was meant to fail.

Now for my favorite things to do.. Random letters to not-so-random people..

I know you will never read this because, for lack of better words, you don't care about me anymore. However, if by some miracle, you see this, I just want you to know that you did some really shitty things. That's really the only word I can think of that describes what you've done. I was putty in the palm of your hands, and you took complete advantage of it. I like to tell people that if I ever see you, I'll do my best to injure you or say terrible things, but I know that I would probably revert to my old ways and see you as nothing but the person that I made myself believe that you were.

As cheesy as it sounds, you are my soul mate, or the closest thing to it behind my dad. My heart hurts everyday because you're 10 hours away, but I know that you are always just a phone call away. I never tell you this, but I am so proud of you. You are one of the smartest, strongest, and most beautiful human beings I've ever had the privilege of calling a friend, much less my best friend.

You will always be that person I can go forever without talking to, and we'll pick up right where we left off. I will always be here for you and I know that you will always return the favor.

You have made this complete scenery change of my life bearable. I'm so glad I've met someone as sassy as me and I can't wait to see where the rest of our time in Lubbock takes us.

You make my heart do stupid things, and I mean that in the best way possible.

We're in a good place right now, and I hope we can stay that way. I don't want to be anything more, or anything less. However, I want you to be happy and I'm not sure if you feel the same way I do.

You have this heightened, completely unrealistic view of who I am, and I love you for it. You've seen me grow up more closely than anyone outside of my family has. You've been there for every 2 a.m phone call and while you rarely agree with any of the decisions that I make, you always promise to catch me when I fall… which I always do. You make me believe that the mistakes I make now are completely normal and they make me a better person. You are an amazing person and I don't tell you that enough.

"After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and charming a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every goodbye you learn."