Late night rambling

"I hope he buys you flowers,
I hope he holds your hand.
And he gives you all his hours,
when he has the chance.
Take you to every party,
'cause I remember how much you loved to dance.
Do all the things I should have done,
When I was your man."

It's currently December 26 and I can honestly say it's one of the saddest days of the year. I mean, it's the day after one of the best days of the year. It's the day that people realize that all the fun is over and all the money they spent has lost its excitement and all the Christmas trees get put up. However, despite the fact that we live in Texas and it's been a steady 70 degrees throughout the month of December, we got blessed with a heavy, heavy blanket of snow on this lovely Christmas day. Even though the snow was lovely, it completely prevented us from having the whole family together and it got put in the books as one of the weirdest Christmases to date. But now it's time to ring in the new year and I've always felt that one of the best ways to do that is to reflect on the year that has passed.

To say that 2012 was full of major changes would be a collassal understatement. I spent my last semester in Peaster, I graduated high school, my basketball and cross country career ended, and I survived my first semester at Texas State University. The scenery of my life has COMPLETELY changed and it's all I can do to take my life one day at a time.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when my life changed, or when I started expecting different things from life and the people I surround myself with. If you ask people, a majority of them would probably tell you that I became a "wild child", a "bad kid", or whatever it is you people like to call me while you're wasting your time talking about me. And while I know I talk about this a lot, I feel the need to explain things to people that seem to be a tad bit confused..

If you asked me a year ago to describe myself, I probably would have responded with something like this:
I'm Shiloh Jenkins. I love my family, sports, and animals. My dad is my best friend. I'm obsessed with good food, good people, and good conversation. I believe that I understand and love music more than the average person, and I am extremely loyal to the people I care most about. I'm very proud to be a Texan born and raised, and I love math.
Those were, more or less, my basic characteristics.

If you asked me to describe myself today, I would probably say something along these lines:
I'm Shiloh Jenkins. I love my family, sports, and animals. My dad is my best friend. I'm obsessed with good food, good people, and good conversation. I love music and math, and I'm very loyal to the ones that I care most about. I'm proudly Texan, and I like my beer dark.
And those, are my basic characteristics.
I think I've made my point.
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My first semester at Texas State was better than I could have ever imagined. I met some of the most amazing people that I hope will be in my life for a very long time, and I became so much closer to one of my very best friends, Beth Buchanan.

I learned that just because you felt a certain way, and the feelings you had were very strong, that doesn't mean that those feelings can't change and it doesn't make you a bad person when they do. I spent too much time hating myself for things that I couldn't control. And I spent too much time being concerned with what other people had to say about things that they don't understand. Hell, I don't even understand half of the things I say, do, and feel. I learned that people change, and the change can happen at any rate, but no matter what, there is no stopping it or reversing it. People will come and go, piss you off, make you happy, make you cry, and make you laugh, and there is no point in thinking about the what-if's and the should haves, could haves, and would haves.
I've learned the best kind of people are the people that see you at your absolute worst and don't hate you the next day. The people that take care of you and stay in with you on a Friday night because you're just plain sad. The people that drive you to McDonald's after a long night of studying because the only thing that will make you happy is a Spicy McChicken and a large soda for $2.16. The people that pick you up when you fall and wipe the blood off of your face and carry you out to the car like a child. The people that never get tired of seeing your face at their door and are always willing to let you sleep on their couch. Those are the best kind of people.

2012 taught me a lot, and I'm more than ready for what 2013 has to offer.

"I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people's eyes when they realize they're in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words."

Hell on the Heart

“Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”


-I’ve spent a lot of time the past week thinking about everything I left behind in Weatherford, and I’ve honestly given a lot of thought to what the people still there think of me now. I understand that in high school, I was “the good girl”. I didn’t drink, I was always in bed before midnight, and I managed to maintain a relationship for 3 years. I used to let those “good” things define the person that I was because people always commended me for the choices that I made. I didn’t realize that there is so much more to me than always being the responsible one. However, when I got to college, things changed. Yes, I drink sometimes, I’m rarely in bed before 2 a.m., and I ruined an amazing relationship because I had to go to college 4 hours away. When things started changing, I noticed that people at home just couldn’t resist bashing me on the internet and running their mouths about all the things Shiloh does now that she would have never done 6 months ago, and there are a few things I have to say about that:

1) Every morning, I wake up in San Marcos as the same person I was when I woke up in Weatherford. There are so many things about me that make me the person that I am that haven’t changed one bit, things that are way more important than what is in my cup on a Saturday night. I’m a respectful, outgoing, nice person. My family is extremely important to me. I enjoy being alone. I’m sarcastic to a fault and I’m usually not afraid to tell someone exactly how it is. Sure, these things may seem insignificant to you, but it’s all these little things (and many more) that make me who I am. Like I said before, I am so much more than my Saturday night.

2) In reference to the “slut” that I’ve been called- you either have no idea what a slut is or you’ve been hearing stories about me that aren’t true. Talk about me all you want, but please, make sure what you’re basing your opinions on is factual.

3) *This is my angry point, directed at many people* Who in the world do you think you are to sit there and tell me that what I’m doing with my life is wrong and call me names all over the internet and basically claim that I’m throwing my life away? I moved 4 hours away from the only thing I’ve ever known and I make great grades in school, despite my “outrageous drinking habits.” Compare where you are in life with where I am, and see if you still have room to bash mine. No, I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means. I’m saying that you’re not either, so stop acting all high and mighty.

4) My life is a beautiful balance of chaos and order. And I honestly believe that if you see something wrong with my life, it’s because you’re not a part of it.

"

"..there is so much more to life than simply surviving it."

As far as I’m concerned, everything on this silly little blog should be deleted up until this point. But since I don’t feel like deleting every single thing, (I also know there are some of you that like to creep and read my old stuff) it will stay up here. But please, ignore it, laugh at it, whatever, just don’t ask me questions about it or expect me to talk about any of it.

I’ve been in San Marcos for almost a month now. I can’t complain about the way things are, especially since I flipped my world upside down to come down here. It was considered by many to be a selfish choice, and honestly, I have to agree. Texas State doesn’t have a good engineering program, it’s 4 hours away from home, and the decision to come down here put too much stress on my relationship for it to last.
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-You aren’t perfect. In fact, you’re far from it. But when I’m with you, you make me feel a little better about how my life is going right now. I know that in the grand scheme of things you probably don’t care about me at all, but that’s not going to stop me from blessing myself with your presence.

-I’m still mad at you, and I’m not sure if that will ever go away. I want it to, because I don’t necessarily enjoy being mad at you, but that’s not really something I have control over. In fact, it’s your fault 100%. But hey, I love you and I always will, even if you changed everything for everyone without anyone’s consent.

-I know you hate me, and trust me, I hate me too. I’ve ruined everything that we spent years building for a selfish desire. I really thought we would make it through, but I guess we (or maybe it’s just me) weren’t as strong as I thought we were. I know you don’t believe in the whole “if we’re meant to be together we’ll eventually find our way back to each other”, and I can honestly say that I don’t either. You’ve successfully made me believe that we will never be the same, and it’s all my fault. I don’t blame you for anything that’s happened over the time we’ve spent together, and if you ever wonder if you could’ve done something differently, you couldn’t have. You are perfect in every way, and I guess one day I’ll realize that I should have tried harder.
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So many changes have occurred in such a short amount of time that none have really had time to set in yet. I don’t hurt yet. Sure, I’m mad at myself on a daily basis for ruining everything, but as far as my heart, it doesn’t hurt yet. I know that at any given moment, it could hit me like a freight train. I’m scared to make the 4 hour drive home because I’m afraid that’s when it will happen. Besides the songs I listen to, the things that you’ve bought for me, and the occasional memory, nothing in San Marcos reminds me of what we had. There are endless amounts of things to distract me, but I know that home won’t be that way. Every building, every road, every single stupid little thing will bring back something that I haven’t had to think about yet. Whatever. I guess in your mind, I deserve to feel bad. Wouldn’t anyone else feel bad?
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“What would I say? Would I tell them what happiness will mean? What sorrow can taste like? Will I tell them that nothing on this earth will ever feel as much like home, as much like grace and as much like pure and absolute contentment than being woken in the stillness of a dark night, rolling over, adjusting your pillow and without warning, feeling the side of your foot brush the warmth of a leg that connects to a hip, a hip that gives way to a stomach and supports a chest, a chest that protects a heart that you know, without doubt, belongs to you. That happiness is handing over your heart, knowing that it is in capable hands; hands that want to hold it and will not tremble at the sight of it leaking out and spilling onto their clothes. That love, true love, is not seeing flaws in them, but explanations and reasons and meanings to the things they hide and spend so much time concerned over. It’s loving the pieces they waste their moments hiding.

What would be written of sorrow? Why don’t they explain the emptiness that comes when one hand fills the gap and it belongs to one person that you waited a lifetime to find and that finding doesn’t mean getting them, and loving them doesn’t mean holding them, and holding them doesn’t mean keeping them, and waiting doesn’t mean you will wait numb to the loneliness, and oxygen stealing burning of tired lungs? Why don’t they tell us of the wounds we will incur and the depth they will sing into us, and why don’t they tell us that we will forever cherish the scars created?”
-Tyler Knott Gregson

I'm just gonna love you, like the woman I love.

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

And high up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go,
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth.

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you."



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In 42 days, my bags (boxes) will be packed, and I will be moving into my dorm at Texas State University. However, as exciting as it is, I can't seem to get rid of the anxiety and everything else that seems to be outweighing everything good about the good in the situation. I've lived on the same 12 acres my whole entire life. The one and only time that I "moved", it was across the yard and I cried for days because I couldn't let go of the old house. Now, for the first time, I will be 4 hours away from literally everything that I've ever known. So long story short, I'm already homesick.

In the past few weeks, I've experienced a harsh realization. I am 18 years old. I have never gotten drunk (or even drank without my parents being aware of it). I have never smoked a cigarette. I don't cuss like a sailor. And I am asleep before 1 a.m. almost every single night. Because of all of these things, I am considered to be a "loser", a "nerd", a "good girl", to 98% of people my age. Since when does being a good girl get me a bad reputation? I'm too "boring". Oh, I'm boring because I enjoy intelligent, sober conversation? I'm boring because I can get totally lost in a book and I'm totally okay with spending a night watching a movie with parents? I am, by no means, looking down on people that enjoy getting drunk on the weekends and stay out until ridiculous hours of the night. I am just confused about the fact that I am pretty much an outcast with people my age because of the (good) choices that I make.

Random letters to not-so-random people.
-You are one of the sweetest people I know. I don't deserve your friendship. And I care about you enough to let you know that I'm not worth it.
-Everything was good for awhile, but for some reason, we just fell apart. I'm not sure what's going on or what's going to happen, but just know that I still care about you and I'll always be here, even when I'm 4 hours away.
-I love you and I meant it when I told you that I'm going to fix everything. I know it's not going to be easy, and I understand that I can't make you stay, but I'm asking you to. Because I believe that we're worth it.
-Nice try. But trust me, it won't work.

This explains nothing.

"Do you think I'm wonderful?" she asked him one day as they leaned against the trunk of a petrified maple. "No," he said, "Why? Because so many girls are wonderful. I imagine hundreds of men have called their loves wonderful today, and it's only noon. You couldn't be something that hundreds of others are."

Hey y’all, I know it’s been awhile since anyone on the face of the earth has heard from me and I’m pretty sure that a lot people have a lot of questions concerning where I’ve been. Sad thing is, the only reason that most people care now is because things have changed. The things that have happened will not be discussed here because, frankly, there nobody’s business.

Anyways, I felt the need to write today so I’m going to write some random letters to some not-so-random people. The recipients of these letters will probably be obvious to everyone, but see if I care.

-I miss you. I know that after I graduate, we probably won’t talk that much. I just need you to know that you are way more amazing than you give yourself credit for. Don’t lessen yourself because you feel the need to fit in. You are fabulous just the way you are, even if you don’t see it.

-You make my world a brighter, happier place. I have no idea where I would be without you in my life, to make me smile every single day. These past few months have been hell, but you have made them so much easier to get through. I can’t wait to go to college with you.

-Nobody cares.

-I have so many things that I want to say to you, but I can’t find the words. I don’t know what happened, or what’s happening now, or what will happen in the future. I'm sorry that I've become this person that you never thought that I would be. I've always tried my hardest to be perfect for you, and I'm sorry that I've lost that. "I'm sorry for my inability to to let unimportant things go, and for my inability to hold on to the important things."

-You have been a large part of my life for a very long time, but I feel like that's changing. It's not a bad thing, but I believe that someday soon we'll look up to find that we don't know each other anymore.
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People are people and people change. I've had this vision in my head of this person that I thought I had to be, and I've realized that there is no way I will ever be able to be that person. My desire to be perfect extends beyond my ability to always say and do the right things at the right time. It's a harsh realization, but I've found that the person I was striving to be will never exist. I feel like I'm having to start over, and it's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I don't expect you to understand. I don't really care if you think I'm crazy. I'm just trying to figure everything out.

Hey y'all..
The next thing on the list to write about is a list of 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self if you could.. Well, I'm actually going to write to myself as a freshman in high school, so my 15 year old self.
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1. Try harder. You are smart, and your grades don't reflect that at all. The grades you are making now are the reason you will have a hard time catching up in the next three years.

2. Stop coloring your hair. I know you want to be a brunette so badly, because it makes you look older, but just let it go back to blonde. Because in three years, you're going to be trying to get back to blonde and it's going to be so difficult.

3. The "best friends" you have now, will not be the best friends you have through high school. Pay closer attention Sarah, Beth, Rachel, Blair, and Meredith. Those girls know what it's like to be a true friend.

4. No matter what's going on with your family, your parents will always love you. I know it feels like they are going against you and that they don't care, but it's the exact opposite, they are always on your side and they care about you more than anything in the world.

5. I know you're thinking about quitting basketball, and I'm letting you know that it will be the biggest mistake of your life. Keep going, and don't let anyone stand in your way.

6. Don't take Dual Credit History when you're a junior. It will kick your butt and it's not worth the tears.

7. You don't need a boy to make you complete. I know you're not going to listen to me, because you don't listen to anyone anymore, so whatever.

8. Start writing. It will be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

9. I know that you wish that you were older and prettier, but believe me when I tell you that in the next three years, you will change and grow into a beautiful young woman with the world in her hands.

10. Don't let people hold you down. Don't let people tell you that you feel things too strongly. Don't let people take your heart and shrink it. Don't let people change you.

I skipped day two because I didn't like the subject.
So, day 3- Describe your relationship with your parents.



First, my mother.
My mother is the sweetest lady on the planet. We are complete opposites but we get along perfectly. There isn't a person I know of that doesn't love my mother. I can talk to her about anything and I hope I can make my kids feel as loved as she makes me feel everyday.


Second, my dad.
To say that I am a daddy's girl would be a colossal understatement. My dad is my best friend. Sure, we don't always get along.. In fact, we butt heads quite often.. But only because we are exactly alike. We are both stubborn, intense people that get very wrapped up in our emotions. I love my dad more than anything in the world and I hope he always knows that.

This was a tough one.

I originally skipped this day because I knew it was going to be hard to write. But I decided to do it anyways.
Day 2- describe 3 legitimate fears.

1- Failure.
I have a huge fear of not ending up where I want to be in life. I'm afraid that I'm going to be the girl that is in college for 15 years and eventually just gives up because she can't seem to succeed at anything.I know that the chances of this happening are very slim, but just the fact that it IS possible, scares the crap out of me.

2- Death.
This is one of those fears that people make fun of me for having. I mean, why should I be scared of something that every person experiences? I'm not really sure why it scares me so much. There are really two parts to this fear, I'm scared of the people I'm close to dying, and then I'm scared of dying myself. Even after 18 years, I have never had anyone that I'm close to die. I've never been to a funeral, and I don't know how it feels to have something taken away from you completely. I am terrified of how I will react when I lose the people I love. On the other hand, I'm terrified of what happens after we die. Sure, I believe in God and I believe in heaven, but I mean, what is going to be like? Some people are so sure about what our eternity is going to be like, and I just wish I could be so sure.

3- The unknown.
Ah, there is really only one person that I've ever talked to about this, so bear with me if I sound completely ridiculous. The fear of the unknown contradicts everything I've ever been told. There are a long list of questions I have had since I was younger that nobody seems to have the freaking answer to. Questions like, why are we here? How big is the universe, and how in the world did it begin? If it did begin by these little atoms, or whatever, where in the world did those little freaking atoms come from? If it is all because of God, where did he come from? There are so many things that I want to believe, but my curious mind just won't let me sometimes, and that probably makes no sense to any of you.

You ain't woman enough.

"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don't let someone steal your tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fears of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it's a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, and article, sentence, a footstep, feel it all- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love."
-Zooey Deschanel

Once again, I have managed to find another list of things to write about and like always, I highly doubt that I will make it through the whole list.. Whatever.
So #1 is a list of 20 facts about yourself. Great.


1- Contrary to popular belief, I love people. Anyone that knows me always hears me say "I hate people", but I am usually talking about people that I know that I do not like for some reason. So despite what you think, Shiloh does not hate humanity.

2- I love my highly dysfunctional family. I've been blessed with a family that is always there for me, despite our differences.

3- I am a very proud Texan. I mean, who wouldn't want to be from the greatest state ever?

4- I don't eat brown m&m's.

5- I love animals, but I also understand the idea of the "circle of life". I eat meat, my dad hunts, but I will stop highway traffic to help a turtle cross the road.

6- I love food, like seriously. I love eating at new places and trying new things. If you want to be my best friend, take me somewhere with good food.

7- I love to read.

8- I've never broken a bone, but I've had two eye surgeries, my tonsils removed, my adenoids removed, and I had to get stitches when my adventurous bike ride turned into a busted open elbow.

9- I am extremely emotional and sensitive. I feel things more deeply than the average person. I get mad when people don't handle things the right way, I cry when I'm happy and when I'm sad, and it seems that I'm always smiling/laughing. Not only am I constantly on an emotional roller coaster, I am terrible at hiding whatever it is that I'm feeling. You will know if I am upset, or pissed off at you. Sure, it gets me in trouble a lot, but I really wouldn't want it any other way.

10- I communicate through other people's words. I use good lyrics and quotes to express how I feel, because I suck at expressing anything in my own words.

11- I hold a grudge like it's an art, but I'm in love with second chances. There's a point of no return with me, and if you go past it, you will never be forgiven.

12- I want approximately seven tattoos. Judge me.

13- My first love in life was singing. I used to sing karaoke for all the drunks in the bars, and for all my friends in every single talent show. Now, I'm too insecure to even sing in front of my closest friends.

14- Basketball took the place of singing when I got into middle school. Picking up a basketball was the best decision I ever made and not a day goes by that I don't miss stepping onto the court everyday.

15- I love school, and I will always regret not trying as hard as I should have my first year of high school. I went from being third in the class to not even being in the top 10%. It is something that I will never be okay with.

16- Bitterness is my worst trait.

17- I remember almost every little insignificant thing that has ever been said to me. Every insult, compliment, lie, goodbye, whatever, I remember it. However, I always seem to forget the important stuff..

18- I hate spiders. 8 legs of terrifying. June bugs suck too.

19- I am planning on attending Texas State in the fall... I think.

20- I really don't like even numbers..

“If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”

But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.

You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.”
-Sarah Kay

Hey y'all.




Valentine's day was this past week and it was fabulous. I've always loved Valentine's day, even when I was single. In fact, my only problem with Valentine's day is the people who claim that they hate the holiday only because they are single. Valentine's day is a day of love. Not necessarily romantic love. Just love. There are so many people around you that love you, that would love to spend the holiday with all the people who complain about not having a "significant other." On top of all of that, everyone complaining just really ruins it for everyone else. So don't complain about a holiday that you believe that you can't participate in because you're not in a relationship for whatever reason.

Anyways, earlier today, I went to New Employee Orientation for Brookshires. I'm not necessarily excited about working, but I am excited about having something to fill my time that will also bring in some extra cash.




Also, the Hunger Games movie is coming out soon!!
So. Excited.



-There is reason behind everything. For example, there is a reason that I cannot listen to much Texas Country without getting sick to my stomach, and there is a reason that I have trouble with just trusting people, and there is a reason that no matter what happens, I will never be comfortable with what has happened with you. Our actions always have consequences and these consequences become the reason behind the way we must live our lives. You are no exception to this. You made the choices that you did and you know where they got you. You don't need my reminder, or anybody else's for that matter. I will always talk to you but it will never go beyond me. Don't think that I don't know.
There are some lines that will not be crossed.

Welcome to existence.

Life.
Hey y'all. It has been almost a month since you have last heard from me and I apologize, but things have been busy.
But despite the busy-ness and my lack of posting, I really have nothing to say.
It's like I've been in a long car ride, sitting in the passenger seat, sleeping through the whole thing. Before you know it, the car ride is over and even though you've come so far, you can't really remember any of it. I'm not sure if that it is a good comparison, but it works for me.
Tomorrow is my last basketball game. Ever. I'm not prepared for the days that it will not consume my time.



“I don't want to lose you."
His voice almost a whisper.

Seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go. She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back.

"But you don't want to keep me, either, do you?"

To that, he had no response.

Hey y'all. Welcome to my first post of 2012!
Things have been crazy, so let's get going.

I welcomed in the New Year with a nice dinner at The Keg and a midnight kiss from the one and only, Brenton Lee. But before we kiss 2011 goodbye, let’s review.
2011 went by super-fast, and I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that I don’t really remember much about it. As a whole, it was a good year. I lost a few friends that decided it wasn’t worth the effort to be in my life, and I’ve gained a few that I absolutely adore. My relationship with Brenton grew and keeps growing every day. I let go of things that were bringing me down and embraced the things that make me happy. As I get older, the years go by faster. 2011 brought my 18th birthday, but despite the step into adulthood, I feel as unprepared for life as ever. 2011 brought my senior year and difficult decisions that I still haven’t made. The steps that I’m taking are shaky, but I’m ready to take on 2012.

Now, 2012 will definitely be one for the books.
The first major event of 2012 will occur in less than a month. On February 7th, I will play my last basketball game. Ever. I know that I talk about this a lot, but if you know me, you know that it’s something that I think about every day. I’ve been playing basketball for as long as I can remember, and I’m not really sure what I’ll do with myself when it’s over. It’s difficult for me to imagine Shiloh without basketball. But I’m sure I’ll manage. Somehow.
Next on the list will be prom. That’s a challenge all in itself. By the way, if you’re a senior and you’re planning on going to prom, PAY YOUR DUES. That’s all.
Then graduation. The day that always seemed so far away. I’ll harp on that more when it gets closer.

“all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.” –John Donne